I condemn that generation based on the popularity of a single piece of technology.

 

Jun 20 2015

 

What do you think of when someone refers to "fun and interesting people"?

Jun 20 2015

 

The main industry in my area is bait.

Jun 20 2015

 

Notice how the countries at war are the ones that don't even pay lip service to free markets?

Jun 20 2015

 

You can't say the government central planning ever failed because, by definition, the only government failure is inadequate spending.

Jun 16 2015

 

The smart people tell us that Trump is a joke and that Hillary is serious.

Jun 15 2015

 

That woman who helped those murderers escape would probably disapprove of me.

Jun 15 2015

 

Hillary's attire looks like something out of a 1950's science fiction movie but not in a good way.

Jun 12 2015

 

Portray yourself as black, woman, gay, etc., that's how I'm going to think of you. Portray yourself as a human being, same deal.

Jun 11 2015

 

I think of myself as a virtuous person, but the voice in my head keeps referring to me as "Shifty."

 

Jun 11 2015

 

African-Americans and big government = Stockholm syndrome.

Jun 8 2015

 

I turned on the news this morning and realized that I was in the ED demographic.

Jun 7 2015

 

I value only abilities that I don't have. Exceptions: Painting, dance, and performance art.

Jun 7 2015

 

Leftists protest G7. That's sort of counterproductive since the G7 is very effective at opposing true free enterprise.

Jun 5 2015

 

Does anyone know the definition of "literally"? Hint, it doesn't me "figuratively."

Jun 3 2015

 

I am thinking of improving my image by drinking my beer from a brandy snifter but I can't decide on a coat-of-arms to put on it.

May 31 2015

 

If this isn't our 47th anniversary, I just wasted $10 on a Johnny Mathis album and a bottle of Hai Karate.

May 31 2015

 

Secretary of State Kerry breaks his leg in a bicycle accident in France. That is the least suspicious news story I've heard all year.

May 31 2015

 

Does Cruz have to "renounce" his Canadian citizenship? Isn't that pretty close to denouncing the whole country?

May 31 2015

 

Rand Paul's attacks on Cruz are turning ugly: "Canadian" is being used. Sorry, I mean the "C" word.

May 31 2015

 

47th anniversary today. Are you jealous yet, Beatty Sue?

May 31 2015

 

I don't get avocados. ???

May 29 2015

 

Global warming is responsible for everything bad except the decline in the GDP, which was caused by the cold.

May 29 2015

 

The administration used the IRS against the T Party and anti-drug banking laws against Hastert, but they'd never use the NSA like that.

May 28 2015

 

On the 1960's sitcom "The Addams Family" Gomez ran for public office with the slogan "Save Our Swamps." It was supposed to be humorous.

May 28 2015

 

The Christian prefers the foolish and corrupt preacher to the virtuous and wise iman. Those who want big government naturally favor Hillary.

May 28 2015

 

It's my feeling that those who would give government more and more power and money have basically given up on themselves.

May 28 2015

 

Some people believe that government redistributions are virtuous.

May 27 2015

 

New Flash: Greece may default. Iran on verge of creating bomb.

May 27 2015

 

Finally, things are really looking up for Negros. This is no time to question the Democratic Party.

May 27 2015

 

Americans think there are 10 times more gays than there are. Smokers think smoking is 8 times more dangerous than it is. MSM fantasyland.

May 27 2015

 

The voices on TV tell me what fools other people are. The voices in my head tell me what a fool I am. I prefer TV.

May 27 2015

 

If onion tasted as good as it smelled frying, if coffee tasted as good as it smelled, if cigar smoke smelled as good as unlit cigars, if,

May 27 2015

 

"Something beautiful's dying." -- from "You lost that lovin' feelin'."

May 27 2015

 

If a person has "a mind of his own," is that a good thing?

May 26 2015

 

Watching Jeopardy: I don't care for buzzer affectation.

May 23 2015

 

"Most assured of what he's most ignorant"--Measure for Measure

May 22 2015

 

The upside to having your head chopped off is that you won't be subject to the horrors of global warming.

May 22 2015

 

Is there some way to put gluten into red meat?

May 20 2015

 

Susan asks why I watch the news when I sigh so often; but the alternative is listening to the voices in my head.

May 19 2015

 

Susan asks, "What part of "I don't know either, but it's crawling up your arm" don't these clowns understand?"

May 19 2015

 

Knowing what we know now, would we have agreed to the Constitution?

May 19 2015

 

Government, religion, and philosophy all agree: The worst thing you can do is believe that you have any value whatsoever as an individual.

May 19 2015

 

Worth repeating: Achilles is no deader than Neville Chamberlain.

May 19 2015

 

I heard it somewhere last week: If you think a person is "average" or "normal," that means you don't know him very well.

May 16 2015

 

Mission Accomplished: There is now nothing in my refrigerator with a "use by" date from the last millennium.

May 15 2015

 

There is an industry in portraying innocent imprisioned negroes and guilty fraternity boys.

May 15 2015

 

The hardest question on Celebrity Jeopardy is "Who are the celebrities?"

May 15 2015

 

Free enterprise vs. government: When Windows crashes Bill Gates doesn't demand more money from me.

May 14 2015

 

Government Train Crash Kills Seven. Government Demands More Money.

May 14 2015

 

Importation of Latino minority; concerted effort to divide the country racially: Are Democrats afraid of losing African American votes?

May 14 2015

 

I believe in human caused global warming but only in Celsius.

May 14 2015

 

Human caused global warming is not something you "believe"; it is something you "believe in."

May 13 2015

 

The liberal opponents of Obama's trade deal are being treated to his wit and likability.

May 12 2015

 

Isn't it about time that we get started on Obama's pyramid?

May 12 2015

 

How do I get on Celebrity Jeopardy?

May 10 2015

 

If a person says, "No pun intended," you would be wise to ignore everything else he does or says in his life.

May 7 2015

 

I have heard ten times more criticism of the Draw Mohamed contest than of the beheadings of Christians.

May 6 2015

 

I'm surprised at the number of critics of the Mohamed cartoon contest. Apparently violence works. Christians might learn the lesson.

May 6 2015

 

We need more Mohamed cartoon contests: like when the police notify wanted people that they won a prize.

May 6 2015

 

What a night! Such a night, ma Cherie, once more the horse manure covered the boulevards of Paris.

Apr 30 2015

 

President Obama tells me that I should do some "soul-searching."

Apr 30 2015

 

The left expains to us that we need welfare programs so that the poor do not revolt and steal.

Apr 29 2015

 

Republicans are to politicians as zucchini is to food.

Apr 29 2015

 

Is there something wrong with me? I keep hearing discredited statistics on my radio.

Apr 28 2015

 

"Dred Scott": Free states have to recognize the relationship of slavery. The court is deciding whether states must do the same for gay marriage.

Apr 28 2015

 

If anyone in Baltimore puts some forces together and defends his own property, he will find out just how effective the police can be.

Apr 26 2015

 

I've noticed that no politician feels the need to "pander" to me.

Apr 26 2015

 

Isis throwing gays off towers. Gays looking for businesses to shut down in the US. As Susan says, There's a lot to be said for masturbation.

Apr 25 2015

 

It's not as though a chicken's life is luxurious to begin with and now there's this whole bird flu thing.

Apr 25 2015

 

When I become a super hero I will not have a secret identity. Why should I complicate my life?

Apr 24 2015

 

MACDUFF

"Fit to govern? No, not to live."-- MacBeth

Apr 19 2015

 

You may not think we need a woman president but remember what happened when we got a male president.

Apr 18 2015

 

Only a very foolish terrorist would mistake helium gas for sarin.

Apr 17 2015

 

I hear on radio and television that the people want "Washington to work" or "Reps and Dems should cooperate," I never hear it from a person in real life.

Apr 16 2015

 

I'm tired of the old, stale stereotypes. We need some fresh, new stereotypes.

Apr 13 2015

 

It's sort of hard to be afraid of a Hillary presidency after 6 years of Obama.

Apr 12 2015

 

Mt:11:11: . . there [was no] greater than John the Baptist: notwithstanding he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.

Apr 12 2015

 

Mt 5:19 Whosoever shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven

Apr 10 2015

 

There are more than 300 million people in the US. They can report anything they want to.

Apr 10 2015

 

If you don't think the news is invented, consider if they decided to report murders by illegals rather than police killings of black men.

Apr 8 2015

 

Obama promises to make remake America so that it will resemble those Latino countries that people are trying get out of.

Apr 5 2015

 

I think I hit the wrong button in the Computer dating service. I married a rich, blonde, 5'4" Zoroastrian.

Apr 4 2015

 

Susan asks which I prefer: "So, is Obama going to pardon the rabbit?" or "So, is Obama going to pardon the egg?" Hard to say.

Apr 1 2015

 

The Iranians are pretty reasonable. They have only one non-negotiable demand: "Death to America."

Mar 31 2015

 

I'd be more worried about the Iranian nuclear deal if I hadn't been hearing that they were "months away from a bomb" for the last 10 years.

Mar 31 2015

 

Do the Iranians get as tired of "Death to America" as we get of "Investment," "Education," "Infrastructure," and "Fairness"?

Mar 29 2015

 

I think I can support Elizabeth Warren if she advocates a 10% tax on the wealth over $10 million on people like Buffet and Gates.

Mar 29 2015

 

The Democrats and the Republicans suggest that you use your intellectual capacities thinking about gay marriage and its implications.

Mar 26 2015

 

I did say "Get a room." I should have specified "not this room."

Mar 26 2015

 

Before they reported the apprehension of Nadal Hassan, the FBI reported that he was not a terrorist. It's what they do.

Mar 22 2015

 

When the page finally thawed out from the ice the ink had all run. All I could make out was "...orry, Eri..."

Mar 19 2015

 

New ideas: mandatory voting, jailing climate skeptics, regulating the internet, etc.

Mar 18 2015

 

So, what holiday is it when you don't drink?

Mar 9 2015

 

"I think it's so groovy now that people are finally getting together!" from “Reach Out in the Darkness”

Mar 9 2015

 

When the snow melts, you see the most extraordinary things that have been frozen for months.

Mar 4 2015

 

Obama aspires to be Neville Chamberlain but he isn't competent enough.

Mar 3 2015

 

Netanyahu praises Obama so Iran would be irritated at him? ". . . as some infamous bawd or whore/should praise a matron. What could hurt her more?"

Feb 28 2015

 

FCC Rolls Out Plan to Regulate Megaphones.

Feb 28 2015

 

I'm so far ahead of everyone that I set my clock to Daylight Savings Time last week.

Feb 27 2015

 

I heard about this medicine for dry, itchy skin and its only side effects are upset stomach, impotence, blindness, heart attack, and death.

Feb 26 2015

 

Among my many blessings I count not having to go to church on Sundays.

Feb 19 2015

 

I never felt threatened by 9/11 but I do feel a sense of uneasiness when I think about the current president.

Feb 18 2015

 

Greg Gutfeld said that ISIS had created more jobs than Obama and, unfortunately, they were all shovel ready.

Feb 18 2015

 

"One of the suspects was described as 'swarthy.'"

Feb 14 2015

 

The MSM finally found some Muslim victims. Too bad the perpetrator is a crazy atheist leftist.

Feb 14 2015

 

Am I too late to copyright "50 Shades of Gay"?

Feb 12 2015

 

I'm beginning to believe that President Obama is actually stupid: The Manchurian Candidate theory.

Feb 11 2015

 

If anyone suggests a "conversation" about anything, avoid that person for as long as you live.

Feb 5 2015

 

Main Stream Media Anchor Lies.

Feb 4 2015

 

If people are chanting something, you can be sure that what they are chanting is stupid.

Feb 2 2015

 

Who says Obama is an egomaniac. I just heard him saying "we" need to invest more. "We" need to pay some more, etc. He never said "I" once.

Jan 31 2015

 

This guy flashed his lights at me when I first drove into town and I've felt uneasy for 30 years.

Jan 31 2015

 

Very cold and windy lately. I feel sorry for the dogs and the dead.

Jan 31 2015

 

I think there may be a problem with the way we translate the word "austerity" from the Greek.

Jan 31 2015

 

You taught me that gvnt is inefficient and expensive and should be entrusted with protecting my life and property. Seems illogical to me.

Jan 31 2015

 

You want gvnt to take other people's money and control them. When gvnt takes your money and controls you, you don't seem to get the humor.

Jan 29 2015

 

I notice that climate changists no longer make apocalyptic predictions that can be tested in their lifetimes.

Jan 28 2015

 

Who is inherently funnier: Schoedinger or Heisenburg? I don't really know.

Jan 28 2015

 

Global warning causes intense snows and bitterly cold temperature. The burden is on you to disprove the previous statement.

Jan 26 2015

 

Train in the rain/Train in the snow/Train tracks to hell/Where do we go?

Jan 26 2015

 

The plan is to elect a communist because they are willing to repudiate national debts and can create the vocabulary to blame the lenders.

Jan 24 2015

 

Every toaster I have ever owned has burnt the toast on the lowest setting.

Jan 24 2015

 

Elitist hypocrite??? What am I supposed to do? Bicycle to Davos?

Jan 23 2015

 

Leftist intellectuals are not interested in history or economics. They are interested in changing our vocabularies to conform to their views

Jan 23 2015

 

Assuming that the fundamental nature of human beings has not changed, our ancestors were really stupid.

Jan 19 2015

 

Democracy??? 50% of the people can do things better and less expensively than 100% of people can do under government compulsion.

Jan 19 2015

 

I've noticed that Islamists are a lot more willing to commit atrocities in areas where they are backed up by armies than elsewhere.

Jan 13 2015

 

Where are all those pundits who blame traders, conspiracies, and big oil for high gas prices?

Jan 9 2015

 

Who gets to be on the cover of The Rolling Stone?

Jan 7 2015

 

Terrorists target journalists: definition of ambivalence.

Jan 6 2015

 

Which is more effective: voting or praying?

Jan 6 2015

 

I keep forgetting the ten warning signs of Alzheimer's disease.

Jan 4 2015

 

Personally I trust Suh to know what degree of roughness is necessary.

Jan 2 2015

 

That isn't a political philosophy. That is a list of people you blame for your own failed and empty life.

Jan 2 2015

 

I can't find it now to retweet: “This isn't a resume. This is just a list of cats that you hate.”

Dec 30 2014

 

Allen Thornton retweeted

Churlish ‏@Cryptoterra 7 Jul 2013 2014

 

It says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying

"pasta la vista, baby" to people. Why would you put that on a resume?

8 Dec 30 2014

 

It's December 30. Maybe we should open the Christmas card from the Shroedingers today.

Dec 20 2014

 

I was going to watch "Sole Survivor" but someone told me the ending.

Dec 19 2014

 

I'm looking forward to Survivor North Korea.

Dec 19 2014

 

Never a good idea: The UN.

Dec 17 2014

 

Does this mean that Obama can finally use US taxpayer $$ to prop up the Castros?

Dec 15 2014

 

It's funny to hear about all the "red flags" the Sydney gunman put out after seeing hundreds of US protesters demanding dead police.

Dec 13 2014

 

Screw Match.com ; I'm joining ISIS.

Dec 13 2014

 

Tweet I can't find: It's a photo of a UK letter to the editor, "Thanks so much for your article on hoarding. I'll put it with the others."

Dec 13 2014

 

When Obama hears his Hollywood friends mocking his race, he thinks it proves that Republican opposition is racist.

Dec 12 2014

 

It is almost forgivable for a person to have vote for Obama in 2008.

Dec 12 2014

 

Conservatives say that welfare makes people dependent, demanding, and resentful. What happens when you provide a military for a nation?

Dec 11 2014

 

I must have been a saint in my previous life. I can't say that I'm looking forward to my next one.

Dec 11 2014

 

I have a spellcheck in my e-mail program. Now I need a petulancecheck.

Dec 9 2014

 

If you must be "authentic," you should put Brussel sprouts on you Belgian waffles.

Dec 9 2014

 

The royal family lives off the state (in public housing) and has children for a living. Does that remind you of anyone in the US?

Dec 6 2014

 

Someone should devote an hour of TV time each night to tell us which news stories aren't true.

Dec 4 2014

 

Susan (with some annoyance) asks, "How do you know how many times you go around?"

Dec 4 2014

 

Your federal government: Helping Negroes since 1967.

Dec 4 2014

 

And then, your honor, I thought, “You only go around once.”

Dec 4 2014

 

“What goes around, comes around” and other such soothing untrue statements may originate in humans’ faith in symmetry rather than justice.

Dec 3 2014

 

If the federal government gives any more help to African Americans, they should be extinct in about three years.

Nov 27 2014

 

Really, it's not as though my frozen domestic turkey was going to proudly soar through the azure heavens.

Nov 25 2014

 

I was watching TV and I almost had the feeling that the people I saw gave a rats a__ that Michael Brown was dead.

Nov 21 2014

 

The last time the Republicans were blamed for trying to shut down the government, how did the voters punish them?

Nov 21 2014

 

The main stream media seems to be saying that Obama won a victory over "Republicans."

Nov 19 2014

 

So . . . You're telling me that if I put a lot of CO2 into the air it will cause the planet to warm up?

Nov 17 2014

 

I get it now. Obamacare was designed to fail. They had to find a "reputable" economist stupid enough to believe it could work. Hence, Gruber

Nov 16 2014

 

Gruber thought Obamacare was designed to work and he thinks other people are stupid.

Nov 14 2014

 

Many people think of their diseases as their possessions. Listen to them. No wonder they don't get well.

Nov 14 2014

 

Maybe people will believe it after MIT economist says it:

Taxing a company is taxing its customers. Stop voting for new tax collectors.

Nov 14 2014

 

The Washington Redskin’s logo is a noble warrior. Cleveland’s Chief Wahoo is a drunken fool, more at home in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Nov 13 2014

 

Mainstream Republicans and others warn against threatening a government shutdown. Look what happened last time: They couldn't win NH.

Nov 13 2014

 

Don't the people in Ferguson know that their job was to get Democrats elected? If they want to buy beer in town again, they should go home.

Nov 12 2014

 

Gruber accuses Americans of being stupid because they don't realize that taxing a company is the same thing as taxing its customers.

Nov 11 2014

 

The traits you look for in a linebacker are not necessarily the ones you want in a babysitter.

Nov 11 2014

 

I'm beginning to see problems with mainstream astrology.

Nov 11 2014

 

Let me makes this very clear. Frankly, "winning" is a very binary concept.

Nov 7 2014

 

Obamacare creates jobs by encouraging employers to hire 4 30hr/wk workers to do the jobs of 3 40hr/wk workers.

Nov 7 2014

 

Always a bad idea: Federal Department of Education. What do you think they want you to teach?

Nov 7 2014

 

Never a good idea: Government unions. Any need to explain?

Nov 7 2014

 

Never a good idea: The public accomadations section of the Civil Rights Act. Private property controlled by the state.

Nov 7 2014

 

Never a good idea: Unions. If you are not a member, you are an economic victim of them.

Nov 6 2014

 

Obama tells us that he heard the 2/3 of the people who didn't vote. Good. He knows 5/6th of the population did not vote for his policies.

Nov 6 2014

 

I was thinking of the people I knew who died before 21. Maybe it's not true that the "good die young."

Nov 5 2014

 

MSM News headline: Dems who Dissed Obama Lose Big

Nov 4 2014

 

The Christian prefers the corrupt, dishonest pope or preacher to the virtuous iman.

Nov 3 2014

 

You want me to listen to health professionals about ebola? Aren't those the people who keep getting it?

Nov 2 2014

 

Susan voted two years ago and it didn't work.

Nov 1 2014

 

Obama sure likes to use the word "science."

Oct 31 2014

 

When trick-or-treating we stopped at the Schroedingers. Now we're afraid to open our bag.

 

Allen Thornton retweeted

Brandon ‏@UNTRESOR Oct 19 2014

 

Peyton Manning always looks like someone just explained the Internet to him.

Oct 30 2014

 

Psychiatry is a mental disease in which the sufferer has the illusion that he has knowledge of other people's minds.

Oct 26 2014

 

Susan has finally crossed that line between genius and insanity: Every time she sees a person in uniform she thinks that he's male stripper.

Oct 24 2014

 

Susan suspects that there are no real firemen left, that they are all male strippers, possibly Australian.

Oct 23 2014

 

Very few people, on their death beds, think, "I wish I had had a pet goat."

Oct 22 2014

 

The Republicans' taking control of the senate is like the dog's catching the car.

Oct 21 2014

 

If I had listened to what my parents tried to teach me, I'd have someone to blame for all the stupid things I've said and done now.

Oct 21 2014

 

After the Brown's loss to Jacksonville, I'm beginning to lose my faith in the commutative property.

Oct 19 2014

 

Remember this November: The real definition of insanity is doing the same thing while expecting the same result.

Oct 19 2014

 

"African-Americans are not competent enough to obtain IDs" seems like a plausible argument to liberals.

Oct 15 2014

 

Susan is watching too much TV. Even though she is inclined toward atheism, she is beginning to think that homosexuality is an "abomination."

Oct 15 2014

 

Indigenous Peoples Day or, as we know it, Atavistic Racists Day.

Oct 13 2014

 

Ebola-free Twitter site.

Oct 1 2014

 

Does anyone notice how all the loons have come out of the woodwork during the last 6 years?

Oct 1 2014

 

Don't worry about Ebola: We have Obamacare now.

Oct 1 2014

 

I keep hoping that TV pundits will learn the meanings of "decimate" and "ironic," but Susan is only shooting for noun-verb agreement.

Sep 25 2014

 

I wish the people on "House Hunters" would stop taking out their personal issues on the houses they see.

Sep 25 2014

 

I no longer believe anything I hear on the news.

Sep 25 2014

 

Is it better to get what you want or want what you get.

Sep 25 2014

 

In a nation of 300 million people there is certainly a gay couple named Adam and Steve.

Sep 25 2014

 

Susan predicts that the next US Attorney General will be a lesbian.

Sep 19 2014

 

Applicable oldie: Judge: Guilty of reckless discharge of a gun. Pistorious: Reckless??!! I hit right where I was aiming.

Sep 11 2014

 

If they knew the whole building was about to come down, they wouldn't have listened to the people who told them to wait.

Sep 7 2014

 

The last think I remember, Doc, was thinking, "You only regret the things you didn't do."

Sep 5 2014

 

When the members of the administration use the word "ISIL," I find it annoying.

Sep 4 2014

 

Susan's suggestion for a punch line: You voted for Obama, didn't you?"

Sep 4 2014

 

We in the administration say "ISIL" not because it is more correct but to see which reporters are willing to follow us slavishly.

Sep 2 2014

 

I just read the phrase "enlightened rule." Wouldn't we all want to be ruled by the enlightened?

Sep 1 2014

 

Monday, September 1. This is a very good month, modulo 7.

Sep 1 2014

 

The people who are most selfish and indifferent to their family and friends are humanitarians.

Aug 28 2014

 

ISIS was wise to change its name to the Islamic State; I was starting to confuse it with gelato.

Aug 27 2014

 

A person can find "facts" now for anything he wants to believe. The only question left is why people want to believe the things they do.

Aug 25 2014

 

A sign on the door of my local Discount Drug store reads "Drug-Free Workplace."

Aug 23 2014

 

Sometimes I think my life would be different now if I hadn't invested everything I had in walkie-talkies during the Y2K scare.

Aug 22 2014

 

When they say that the Islamic State is a very "sophisticated" group, does that mean they know which forks to use at a formal dinner?

Aug 19 2014

 

Looters need protesters as a mob to hide behind. Protestors need looters to keep getting press coverage.

Aug 18 2014

 

I'd loot the local convenience store except that I might want some cool ranch Doritos next Tuesday.

Aug 18 2014

 

I know that when I see cops in riot gear the first think I think of doing is to loot a flat screen TV. No flat screen, no peace.

Aug 16 2014

 

If you expect me to spend my money I want a full-time table, not some periodic one.

Aug 13 2014

 

Obama is so determined not to act like GW Bush that he is acting like Lyndon Johnson.

Aug 12 2014

 

Hillary 2016: She will do for women what Obama has done for African-Americans.

Aug 6 2014

 

The protest singer express his outrage against mass-produced, concrete gargoyles in a sarcastic song.

Aug 6 2014

 

I can't tell whether it's a soccer team logo or a revolutionary symbol. Also I don't know whether I have ebola or the misery.

Aug 4 2014

 

The Israelis are fighting for their lives. The Hamas people are fighting for their afterlives. Hamas. No mas.

Aug 2 2014

 

Crisis at the border = federal government needs money to provide for needs of children or tens of thousands of illegals coming in. Define.

Jul 29 2014

 

The people who love Hamas now are same people who would have called me an anti-Semite 40 years ago for asking if we were too close to Israel

Jul 29 2014

 

As his life blood dripped away, he thought, "Is this what they mean by ‘irony’?"

Jul 29 2014

 

Elizabeth Warren is a media invention created to make Hillary look moderate and not insane.

Jul 27 2014

 

The lady at the DMV ask me to verify my previous license: Eyes: Green; Hair: Brown. Why does my new license read, "Eyes: Green; Hair: Gray"?

Jul 22 2014

 

The simple commonsense restriction on free speech that requires political donors to be named has allowed the IRS to target Rep. donors.

Jul 21 2014

 

When you form a working hypothesis, you make an ass of you and Pythagoras.

Jul 19 2014

 

Smokers believe that smoking is 8 times more dangerous than it really is. Apparently they need more "education."

Jul 14 2014

 

I read about a woman who committed suicide by inhaling helium. Tragic, I guess, but I would have paid to hear her last words.

Jul 13 2014

 

I saw a nature film of penguins walking in woods. I now no longer believe in God or evolution and certainly not intelligent design.

Jul 13 2014

 

There are hundreds of invisible worlds where people care desperately about things we have never heard of.

Jul 9 2014

 

When you see a person getting the same results by doing the same actions, at some point, you have to believe that he wants those results.

Jul 8 2014

 

The geocentric universe, Lysenkoism, and human caused global warming: three scientific theories that were upheld by the state.

Jul 5 2014

 

The only things I know about feminism I learned from watching "The Beverly Hillbillies."

Jul 5 2014

 

Oh, yeah? Well, that's what they said about Norman Bates!

Jul 4 2014

 

What truths do you hold to be self-evident?

Jul 4 2014

 

They explained it to me: The reason these illegal aliens are coming here is because their native countries don't have the rule of law.

Jul 2 2014

 

I just heard Elvis's "It's now or never." Is that the anthem for premature ejaculaters?

Jul 2 2014

 

The Congress is liked the mommy and the president is like the daddy. If the mommy doesn't make dinner daddy has to. But that's for grown ups.

Jul 1 2014

 

Providing free pills for certain workers who have sex without protection: A $300 problem that Obama turns into major controversy.

Jun 30 2014

 

Would you give Rick Santorum the powers you are granting to Obama? That might be what you are doing.

Jun 30 2014

 

Do these people who don't want politicians to "control bodies" know they are giving a future president the power to outlaw abortion and BC?

Jun 30 2014

 

I think there's something wrong with my car: My "check engine soon" light didn't come on.

Jun 27 2014

 

People will do the most extraordinary things in order to uphold the view they have of themselves.

Jun 24 2014

 

If drop a bomb anywhere in Iraq today, you will kill a lot of people who deserve it and few who don't.

Jun 24 2014

 

Libertarian solutuion: Get government out of the people's way. Government solution: Get rid of people.

22 Jun 2014

 

This morning I sort of feel like a member of the Huckabee audience.

22 Jun 2014

 

A Wild Turkey bottle filled with Old Crow.

22 Jun 2014

 

If free will is an illusion, what entity is being decieved?

22 Jun 2014

 

Why are groups against voter fraud described as "right-wing"?

20 Jun 2014

 

Two great eras of American liberalism: 1932-1945 and 2008-2014.

20 Jun 2014

 

IRS committee goes just as Obama wants: No details were asked about.

20 Jun 2014

 

Will the committee make speeches or will it ask the IRS commissioner, "Will you allow our computer technicians to examine your computers?"

19 Jun 2014

 

That Bengazi terrorist was so surprized at his apprehension that he spilled his strawberry smoothie on his pants.

17 Jun 2014

 

If you feel the urge to use the words "per se," please consider that what you say on the Internet could go on forever.

17 Jun 2014

 

Thank God for corn dogs. There is at least one supposedly unhealthy food that I don't want to eat.

13 Jun 2014

 

Sorry, Bowe, we've all seen "Homeland."

10 Jun 2014

 

OK. Where's this heavy equipment you want me to operate?

8 Jun 2014

 

We need to withhold judgement until the matter becomes "old news" and we can say "what difference does it make."

8 Jun 2014

 

What do you do when your pop-up windows say "URL Unavailable"?

6 Jun 2014

 

Obamacare: Hitler should have imposed a "jewish tax" with certain penalties. He would have achieved his ends and been US constitutional.

6 Jun 2014

 

If not for D-Day we could be living under a highly-centralized, obtrusive, race and religion obsessed government led by an egomanical idiot.

4 Jun 2014

 

TV commercials have convinced people that they would sleep better if they paid more for their bed, sort of like global warming.

2 Jun 2014

 

A lot of people are complaining but I feel that trading Bergdahl for five members of Duck Dynasty was the right thing to do.

2 Jun 2014

 

If cold fusion doesn't produce heat, what is it good for?

1 Jun 2014

 

I would have like Obama's West Point speech if he had included, "Hey, world, you're going to have to start paying for your own defense."

1 Jun 2014

 

Most people don't think that stealing from a very rich person, a corporation, or the government is the same as stealing from an individual.

1 Jun 2014

 

I don't care that you are iconoclastic so long as you stay away from my computer.

31 May 2014

 

You start out watching Disney movies and you end up praying to demons.

28 May 2014

 

Give me that old time government health care.

28 May 2014

 

A lot of things are probably better daydreaming about than having.

28 May 2014

 

OK, I admit that we should do something soon. Where's the duct tape?

27 May 2014

 

The Santa Barbara shooter's father blames the NRA for his "loss." The Santa Barbara shooter blames women and hates the "wealthy."

26 May 2014

 

What kind of slavery is this "freedom"? Who tells you what to do? How do you get food and clothes and stuff? I don't think it will work.

25 May 2014

 

". . . despite a 235 percent increase in the budget of the Department of Veterans Affairs between 2001 and 2013."

24 May 2014

 

If a TV commercial tugs at your heartstrings, you are probably stupid.

24 May 2014

 

A death in the private sector proves the industry must be nationalized; a death in the public sector proves the department needs more $$$.

20 May 2014

 

Before Obama was elected, the country was running out of problems that had not been addressed by government action.

20 May 2014

 

A single government policy can disrupt half a dozen free market systems and create a host of new problems needing government action.

19 May 2014

 

Chinese accuse NSA of spying on their industries in response to accusations. NSA says they are too busy spying on Obama's enemies to care.

19 May 2014

 

People are offended by the word "oriental" but accept the fact that Asian-Americans are systematically kept out of major American colleges.

19 May 2014

 

I think I may be an allegorical figure but I'm not sure what I stand for.

16 May 2014

 

Inventions: Gorilla golf.

16 May 2014

 

Inventions: Real life insurance. They pay you only if you live past 90 or some other actuarial correct age.

16 May 2014

 

Inventions: Pie chart pie. For instance, one slice chicken pot pie, one slice Greek spinach pie, one part lemon meringue.

16 May 2014

 

Charles Payne on environmental Democrat donor's coal wealth: "The golden age of hypocrisy."

14 May 2014

 

My wife suggested that we "spice things up." So we went downstairs and had some curry.

12 May 2014

 

If reporters analyze a story deeply enough, they can avoid the facts altogether.

11 May 2014

 

Openly opposing, e.g., al qaeda, Putin, those clowns in Africa will only make them stronger. I wonder why we didn't think of that in WWII.

9 May 2014

 

Does the pope believe that's it's morally correct to abort the fetuses of the rich?

9 May 2014

 

The pope can see the humanity in a fetus but not in person with money.

9 May 2014

 

When they see a problem, they think government; that is, they think violence and they see themselves as righteous.

9 May 2014

 

If Johny Manziel thinks it was embarrassing to be drafted late, wait till he takes a snap for Cleveland. Johny Football = Johny Who?

8 May 2014

 

Settled economics: By now unemployment will be at 5 percent with or without the stimulus.

7 May 2014

 

If the people approved of their governments, there would be no need for elections.

7 May 2014

 

If you judge a government by how well the people like it, democracy is a prima facie failure.

7 May 2014

 

You think it makes sense for government to pay for your children's education and you're surprised that the education is socialistic.

4 May 2014

 

"I'm goin' tell Aunt Mary about Uncle John/He claimed he had the misery/But he had a lot of fun."--Long Tall Sally

3 May 2014

 

People don't believe that Obama is a nasty pr**k because that would cause them to question their own judgements. That is Obama's strength.

3 May 2014

 

Casinos love gamblers with systems in the same way that governments love citizens who have ideas about how to rule.

3 May 2014

 

There is no quicker path to ruin than a system, or a manifesto.

3 May 2014

 

Casinos want you to count cards. If not, they would shuffle the deck for every deal or have a beautiful girl shuffle a 2nd deck during play.

1 May 2014

 

We live in a country so free of racism that it's a 4-day story when some old fool doesn't want his girlfriend to be seen with black people.

30 Apr 2014

 

The right does not understand that it is impossible to cut taxes and maintain the same level of services without reducing corruption.

29 Apr 2014

 

Tornado. Mass Shooter. Stirling. So boring. Can't they find a way to combine all three stories?

27 Apr 2014

 

You will note that the only people declared to be saints had "saintly" in their job descriptions and were well-paid to be spiritual.

27 Apr 2014

 

Pope declares two previous popes to be saints. It's sort of like the Grammies.

23 Apr 2014

 

I find Christianity bizarre; but when I compare it to some of the things atheists believe, it seems completely logical.

21 Apr 2014

 

It's a good thing that the MSM isn't filled with cynics because I might have questions about Obamacare if they were.

18 Apr 2014

 

You'd think the green people would catch on that they are being jerked around by Obama for money, but then look what they believe in.

15 Apr 2014

 

If a billion dollars is trivial to the state, why does it care about my $5000 tax bill?

15 Apr 2014

 

What do you suppose people mean when they say, "This problem has no military solution, only a diplomatic solution"?

15 Apr 2014

 

"You get what you get when you go for it."--Inmate 8093572 2014

14 Apr 2014

 

Pro-Russian Demonstrators in Ukraine Suspected to be Members of the SEIU

11 Apr 2014

 

We must have government? Who is more in need of governance: you or the politicians?

8 Apr 2014

 

What does it tell you about the nature of government that people can always be counted on to vote for change?

7 Apr 2014

 

Twitter gives you a lot more characters than life gives you years.

7 Apr 2014

 

Sorry. But everything I see in news today is an insult to my intelligence. It makes me cranky.

2 Apr 2014

 

I wish the Republicans would stop preening and ask a simple question: What are the names of the analysts you depended on to write the report

2 Apr 2014

 

Pope Francis was probably thrilled when Obamacare was passed.

27 Mar 2014

 

General Alexander on Snowden, "I'm not a violent man..." Did he read the job description for general?

26 Mar 2014

 

HHS Secretary Job description: 1._ 2._ 3. Lie in public on the record. 4._5._

25 Mar 2014

 

As usual, the reporting of Hobby Lobby's case uses incorrect words. If people used words correctly we wouldn't even have government.

25 Mar 2014

 

Pro-choice woman, "Politicians have no business in our medical decisions." Presumably pro-Obamacare.

25 Mar 2014

 

Shrill woman protester: "Businesses like Hobby Lobby have no business in our personal decisions."

23 Mar 2014

 

Has Justin Bidber's mom rethought that whole abortion thing yet?

21 Mar 2014

 

Debt less than post-WWII debt. Putin not as bad as post WWII Stalin. Therefore, Obama administration is less destructive than WWII.

18 Mar 2014

 

I just flew in from Kuala Lumpur and, boy, are my arms tired!

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17 Mar 2014

 

So, is the disappearance of the Malaysian plane a publicity stunt for a reality show? I think I heard that theory somewhere.

17 Mar 2014

 

The only way America can avoid a single payer system is for the whole Republican party to advocate it.

17 Mar 2014

 

Can someone explain to me the phrase "Two drink minimum"?

15 Mar 2014

 

I refuse to eat blood oranges for humanitarian reasons.

15 Mar 2014

 

I'll explain that Malaysian plane disappearance as soon as I find my TV's remote control.

14 Mar 2014

 

Search for Missing Aircraft Made More Difficult by Radar Sightings of Gamera, the Flying Turtle

13 Mar 2014

 

Next big trend: Ironic Food.

13 Mar 2014

 

Republicans can't just say no. They must come up with their own plan for doing something that may be impossible and is probably undesirable.

10 Mar 2014

 

Winter 2014: The season of tying scarves into fancy knots.

6 Mar 2014

 

If Putin persists in the Ukraine any longer, Kerry is going to accuse him of wearing unfashionable suits.

6 Mar 2014

 

When I see CPAC, I think of the Soviet Union.

6 Mar 2014

 

Soviet agriculture: 45 years of bad weather. News reader, ". . . a labor market hampered by cold weather."

6 Mar 2014

 

Oh-hum. Yawn. Tell me when they legalize something that I want.

6 Mar 2014

 

The one weird trick your government doesn't want you to know:

5 Mar 2014

 

The only reason these deluded gasbags can sit around tables in Paris drinking Evian is because I pay taxes and I call them morons.

4 Mar 2014

 

Market analyst, "We expect that unemployment numbers will be in line with expectations."

 

3 Mar 2014

 

US Threatens to Stand behind Those Nations That Are Thinking About Deploring Russian Actions

3 Mar 2014

 

How many people have to "take to the streets" in order for them to be correct? 100,000? 200,000?

3 Mar 2014

 

You know how people don't know the difference between "return" and "refund"? I just heard a news reader throw "rebate" into the mix.

2 Mar 2014

 

I'm filling out my Ohio taxes and I came to the instruction, "If deceased, check box."

1 Mar 2014

 

My doctor told me that my heart was healthy enough for sex, so I had to ask him if any other part of me was.

1 Mar 2014

 

Why are people gratified by thinking they will die if they eat an egg, go without health insurance, see a cigarette, or drink a coke?

26 Feb 2014

 

Who knew that the biggest problem in America was Christian bakers who do want to make cakes for gay weddings?

25 Feb 2014

 

These politicians have some really great ideas and just as soon as one of them starts spending his own money on one of them, I'll listen.

25 Feb 2014

 

The producers of the "Sun of God" movie should have been more original. They could be sued by the makers of "Son of Godzilla."

23 Feb 2014

 

And the answer, as always, is "real men."

21 Feb 2014

 

Guy who sits on a sled is banned from Olympics for doping.

20 Feb 2014

 

When the founders talked about "freedom of speech," they didn't realize that someone would invent the megaphone.

20 Feb 2014

 

I'd like to see a chart of new unemployment claims as a percentage of the work force.

20 Feb 2014

 

My grandfather and great grandfather could tell a good horse from a bad horse. Every age has its own knowledge. We know foreign foods.

18 Feb 2014

 

It's interesting how the CBO has been calculating figures now that the Republicans control the House.

18 Feb 2014

 

What does Obama make of the "Ukrainian Spring"? How does the UKIP interpret it?

16 Feb 2014

 

It is virtually impossible for a right wing commentator to give Hollande's name anything except an exaggerated French pronunciation.

16 Feb 2014

 

I thought I was watching Monty Python but it turned out to be the Winter Olympics.

14 Feb 2014

 

97% of climate change scientists believe in climate change, which compares favorably to the 95.8% of astrologers who believe in astrology.

14 Feb 2014

 

The Americans have the watches but we have the time--Al Qaeda saying.

14 Feb 2014

 

Placebix: More effective against more diseases than any other medicine with virtually no side effects.

14 Feb 2014

 

I am so intelligent that I think the Oak Ridge Boys are nuclear scientists.

13 Feb 2014

 

The weakness of Obama and Karsai is that they can't comprehend that there are people who actually believe in something.

13 Feb 2014

 

"Making love or making believe." Did I write that or is there already a C&W song?

12 Feb 2014

 

When I hear about a "broken system," I ask who constructed the system in the first place.

12 Feb 2014

 

I have all the important logical fallacies on my side.

12 Feb 2014

 

Marijuana Legalized: Hilarity Ensues

11 Feb 2014

 

I just watched Krauthammer explain how he would have used the debt limit fight to pressure the Obama. He was very pleased with himself.

11 Feb 2014

 

I find it very annoying to see a stop light in the distance and it doesn't matter whether it is red or green.

11 Feb 2014

 

Had it not been for the political climate, I could have really cashed in on my BSc in mogul construction.

7 Feb 2014

 

Say what you want about democracy, but if it weren't for elections, Obamacare would have been implemented by now.

7 Feb 2014

 

It's sad that Obama's most fervent supporters are those most hurt by his policies. It's sort of funny, too.

7 Feb 2014

 

Of course the idea of democracy is to get free stuff and convince yourself it is all for the common good.

7 Feb 2014

 

If 51% of the people agreed, they could buy any good or service and pay less than half what government does.

6 Feb 2014

 

Forever imprisoned in the eternal present.

5 Feb 2014

 

When someone uses the words "broken system," I wish that someone else would ask the person to explain how it got broken.

5 Feb 2014

 

If you remove the word "we" from political discourse, you might be forced to say something.

4 Feb 2014

 

It is very common for a completely innocent person to blame himself for some tragedy (if he is a character in a TV drama).

3 Feb 2014

 

I'm beginning to wonder whether there really are any Puppy Bowl truthers.

2 Feb 2014

 

I thought I might have heard it as a joke or I might have dreamed it, but it turned out to be true.

1 Feb 2014

 

Government didn't build that: Government built roads only in the sense that they nationalized (or governmentalized) road builders.

30 Jan 2014

 

Why do those who oppose trade agreements that would increase imported goods demand that 14 million workers be imported into the country?

30 Jan 2014

 

Susan was very disappointed at the scarcity of fish-themed Valentine's Day cards.

30 Jan 2014

 

Rand Paul is playing into the MSM narrative: Actually, Clinton is a vicious misogynist and probably an unconvicted rapist.

30 Jan 2014

 

Is there a way that I can get into the Witness Protection Program?

29 Jan 2014

 

Biden says he could the job of US president. To be fair, he couldn't do worse.

28 Jan 2014

 

There should be a name for people like C Matthew, P Morgan et al who have a bigger audience of right-wing outrage than they do of listeners.

24 Jan 2014

 

Susan is opposed to "Witty Food" and so will I be once I can define it.

24 Jan 2014

 

Little Sister of the Poor?!?! I'll kick their asses.

24 Jan 2014

 

Oh no. Now I am confusing Dinesh D'Souza with Rajesh Koothrappali.

24 Jan 2014

 

Papa Bieber: Well son, I went out for some cigarettes and my brand was out and then the y2k thing came along. I'm just happy to be back.

23 Jan 2014

 

Sorry, Poppy: If we'd named you Saffron, you'd be a millionaire now.

23 Jan 2014

 

A good indication of the degree of totalitarianism of a state is how much of an interest the state has in its citizens sex lives.

21 Jan 2014

 

I can only watch contemporary entertainment by pretending that the left-wing messages are self-satire and they are comically obvious.

21 Jan 2014

 

Which is more annoying: Cute little pot stories and puns or outrage about pot and kids and welfare recipients?

21 Jan 2014

 

Obama is to economics as "Reefer Madness" is to medical science.

20 Jan 2014

 

I'm not a big believer in euthanasia but it may be justified in the case of peanut allergy.

18 Jan 2014

 

Who is this Richard Simmons that all the hip, young people are turning to for health insurance information?

17 Jan 2014

 

He was more respectful of beer trucks than school buses.

14 Jan 2014

 

I said that I thought Hollande was getting more than his fair share but Susan points out that he thinks that he's spreading the wealth.

14 Jan 2014

 

Will Obamacare's sky-high deductibles return medical care to market forces?

14 Jan 2014

 

Obamacare would probably work better if the 20% subsidizing the 80% had any money.

14 Jan 2014

 

Glamor shot or Sunday morning shot, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed never fails to entertain and amuse.

13 Jan 2014

 

Arrogant Obama thinks he overcame racism when the condescending voters simply wanted to vote for a negro. Like The f__ing Gift of the Magi.

13 Jan 2014

 

Statisticians tell us that it takes 72.9% of a sample to make something true.

9 Jan 2014

 

I may not be able to think of anything to say and I know that I'll be back; but I can sure slam this door loudly.

6 Jan 2014

 

What, exactly, do I need to do to start my own private NSA?

6 Jan 2014

 

I sort of know the difference between Seattle and San Diego, but not between the Seahawks and the Chargers.

6 Jan 2014

 

OK, it is cold. But I managed to make it my mailbox without resorting to cannibalism.

4 Jan 2014

 

I realized that I have thought everything a crazy person thinks, only I thought them more slowly. Nothing crazy about that.

3 Jan 2014

 

Obamacare has enlisted 47% of the population on the wrong side in class warfare.

3 Jan 2014

 

I got an e-mail that said someone wanted to follow me. It started asking me things that are only known to me and the royal family of Nigeria.

2 Jan 2014

 

Next Christmas! Next Christmas the family will dress and pose like a British 60's rock band, or at least a US copy of one.

2 Jan 2014

 

Eighty percent of modern government is restraint of trade.

2 Jan 2014

 

What about my freedom to tell everyone how to live???

1 Jan 2014

 

Sotomayor pretends that the Supreme Court retains some relevance.

1 Jan 2014

 

I figure that employment will get back normal rates about the same time that Iran creates a working A-bomb.

31 Dec 2013

 

I know it's hard to believe but today is New Year's Eve not New Year's Steve.

 

Allen Thornton retweeted

David Whitehouse ‏@d_whitehouse 30 Dec 2013

 

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making it look like he could take the end of his thumb off.

28 Dec 2013

 

I wish they'd stop calling people who are too young for Medicare "elderly."

28 Dec 2013

 

I said "oral." She heard "aural" and we passed an extremely strange and somewhat embarrassing evening together.

28 Dec 2013

 

She had a heart like an odometer.

26 Dec 2013

 

If you think Prohibition was crazy, how about requiring ethanol be put into gasoline?

24 Dec 2013

 

If you agree with Phil Robertson's remarks, send me $1.67.

23 Dec 2013

 

I believe it is very important that homosexual acts are sinful because they are some of the few sins that do not tempt me.

23 Dec 2013

 

Do you think that pajama boy is enjoying his fame?

22 Dec 2013

 

Yesterday I watched "A Moonshiner's Christmas" and tommorow I plan to see "Christmas: The Ancient Alien Connection." Just the classics.

22 Dec 2013

 

Telling people to "Be aware" of their "surroundings" is racist and hurtful.

21 Dec 2013

 

GHW Bush's "No new taxes" is now being called a presidential lie. At the time the same people applauded his compromising and bipartinship.

19 Dec 2013

 

Bad timing: I just sent out the Duck Dynasty Chia Head Christmas presents to my gay friends Wednesday morning.

19 Dec 2013

 

Bernancke tries to convince serious people that he is not literally insane as he continues to buy $75 billion/month.

18 Dec 2013

 

We watched The White House Christmas on H&G last night and I called for the revolution (a tradition since 1998.)

16 Dec 2013

 

Sure, go ahead and name your kid after the car she was conceived in, but try to be very specific.

14 Dec 2013

 

I was listening to the "Little Drummer Boy" radio station and they fit in some "Do You Hear What I Hear" between rum du dums.

13 Dec 2013

 

Who says communism is inefficient? You get really quick justice in North Korea.

13 Dec 2013

 

Conservation: Obama has recycled a philosophy of government that was rotting on the trash heap of history. Thrift, Horatio, thrift.

9 Dec 2013

 

Are those charges against Kim Jong Un's uncle illegal or are they a description of a Vegas vacation?

8 Dec 2013

 

I think I'll start a TV network devoted to outrage: Deplore TV: lots of Mylie Cyrus and War on Christmas segments; scantily clad youth, etc.

6 Dec 2013

 

Does the administration attribute the drop in the unemployment rate to 7% to the sequester or to the government shutdown? Obama warned you.

5 Dec 2013

 

Pundits don't seem to understand that the purpose of Obamacare was to be fixed.

4 Dec 2013

 

Those folks who watch Fox News or listen to talk radio may have the impression that the Affordable Care Act is not working perfectly.

4 Dec 2013

 

The problem is that now that we have so many channels and time to fill on TV, everyone is getting 35 minutes of fame.

3 Dec 2013

 

Embarrassing in the extreme and yet, some how, unembarrassed.

3 Dec 2013

 

Susan asks if yelling "Obama is a moron" in a crowded theater is really free speech.

2 Dec 2013

 

Socialists never just give money to the poor. They "administer" the economy. Giving money to the poor would be "irresponsible."

2 Dec 2013

 

You call it the "definition of insanity." I call it "consistency."

30 Nov 2013

 

We saw five guys with a rope at a tree limb. I thought pulling an engine block. Susan thought lynching.

27 Nov 2013

 

The situation on earth is simple: Either only one religion is true or no religion is true.

27 Nov 2013

 

If my health insurance goes from a $1000 deductible to a $6000 deductible, do I actually still have health insurance?

25 Nov 2013

 

You better watch out/You better not cry/Better not pout/I'm telling you why. . . He sees you when you're sleeping? He knows when you're awake

24 Nov 2013

 

True or False: If a unicycle is to unisexual as bicycle is to bisexual is bisexual to unisexual as bicycle is to unicycle? Explain.

21 Nov 2013

 

The farther away a government is from being implemented the more attractive people find it.

20 Nov 2013

 

Cairo Cafe Syndrome: Radical Islam is much more popular with the Cairo cafe crowd than in place where it is practiced, like Iran.

19 Nov 2013

 

And by "we," I mean those making $40 to $200k/per year with the exception of certain citizens who are members of public or private unions.

17 Nov 2013

 

No one asks the Kennedys: Do you know that if your granddad had willed his money to a cat hospital, you couldn't get a job at Burger King?

15 Nov 2013

 

I got on Obamcare.gov and it told me to put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up.

15 Nov 2013

 

Arguing with an Obama fan is like teaching a bear to dance: You may be able to do it but it is not likely to be worth the trouble.

14 Nov 2013

 

Note to self: Talking to yourself is crazy.

10 Nov 2013

 

I don't know what I shoud be outraged about anymore. Maybe we need a federal Department of Outrage Selection.

9 Nov 2013

 

If Obama wants to "spead the wealth around," why does he suggest raising "income" taxes instead of proposing a "wealth" tax?

9 Nov 2013

 

So, who's this single payer going to be? I hope it's not me.

7 Nov 2013

 

Hey, Obama, it hurts when I do this.

7 Nov 2013

 

Socialists tell us that we're all in the same boat. Most are rowing in the galley, some are sipping wine on deck.

7 Nov 2013

 

If I have no extra money, in what sense is a policy with a $6000 deductible health insurance?

6 Nov 2013

 

The voters don't care how much they are screwed as long as the government provides the illusion that someone else is being screwed.

3 Nov 2013

 

What you call greed in others, you cal thrift in yourself: thrift or common sense.

1 Nov 2013

 

I don't remember who said it (G. Gutfeld?): "I hate trick or treating so much that I signed up as a child sex offender."

31 Oct 2013

 

Can you imagine there was time when people could buy health insurance that did not cover sex change operations? Barbaric.

31 Oct 2013

 

As Mick Jagger said, It's only a junk insurance policy, but I like it.

31 Oct 2013

 

 

Pundits say, 1. Only a naive moron doesn't know that we spy on our friends, or 2. Obama didn't know we were spying on our friends.

 

Allen Thornton retweeted

David Whitehouse ‏@d_whitehouse 29 Oct 2013

 

Surprise loved ones this Halloween by killing a horse.

29 Oct 2013

 

Government can take a penny from everyone and create 3 millionaires. Then keep repeating until everyone is a millionaire. It's just a penny.

26 Oct 2013

 

Is it illogical for those demanding privacy rights to conduct a demonstration?

24 Oct 2013

 

Six months from now a majority of the population will blame the problems with Obamacare on Republicans or insurance companies or Bush.

22 Oct 2013

 

You are not going to like the way the government makes it "easy" to sign up for Obamacare.

19 Oct 2013

 

You just don't know who to trust anymore: the IMF or the Federation of Planets?

19 Oct 2013

 

They tell us that if we don't subsidize medical insurance for congressional staffers, there will be a "brain drain."

19 Oct 2013

 

I prefer the 1950's Sci-Fi version of 2013 to the reality. I also favor nostalgia that is well aged.

17 Oct 2013

 

I'd like some extra gluten with that, please.

16 Oct 2013

 

Susan is putting so many Republicans on her list that she is crowding a number of Democrats off.

16 Oct 2013

 

Every failure of government eventually increases its power. Obamacare signup problem? IRS will solve it AND withhold premiums from paycheck.

15 Oct 2013

 

Our president sees no irony in telling us that we live in a system that will fall apart if it can't borrow a trillion dollars a year.

15 Oct 2013

 

If you don't extend the debt limit, where to you get the money to pay for Congressional and union subsidies for Obamacare?

15 Oct 2013

 

I'm getting tired of advertisers who want to sell me an identity and then tell me that people like me buy their product.

15 Oct 2013

 

Until I got my new flat screen, I had no idea how many actors were covering up their pimples with makeup.

15 Oct 2013

 

All the smart people and all the "grownups" will celebrate when the government borrows another trillion dollars.

15 Oct 2013

 

Republican plan: Extend debt limit for a month or two.

Next time we'll mean it.

12 Oct 2013

 

The condescending pundits tell us that raising the debt by a trillion dollars is the "grownup" thing to do.

12 Oct 2013

 

"You took my arm but I will grow another one tomorrow. Can you grow new lives?"--Giant crab in "Attack of the Giant Crab

10 Oct 2013

 

I couldn't find to retweet but some guy's tweet was "Beware of fake Obamacare sites. You'll know they’re fake because they work.

8 Oct 2013

 

I hope this government shut down ends soon. I'm getting tired of having to insult my own intelligence.

4 Oct 2013

 

According to Obama's logic, US depends on borrowing money to pay interest on US debt despite taking in trillions in taxes.

2 Oct 2013

 

The lowest form of humor is now taking a camera and mike to the street and asking people things about history, gvnt, or anything else.

30 Sep 2013

 

Definition of "poetic justice": Obamacare.

30 Sep 2013

 

I was going to present my findings in "Elvis: The UFO connection'," but it might be too controversial.

30 Sep 2013

 

The main stream media and establishment Republicans all hate Ted Cruz. Any questions?

30 Sep 2013

 

Apparently government is the only institution that spends more money when it is shut down than when it is operating.

30 Sep 2013

 

I refuse to go on Facebook until Photoshop gets a lot better.

30 Sep 2013

 

People want their legislators to cooperate on who they should kill or put into prison and for what reasons.

30 Sep 2013

 

People say they want their legislators to cooperate. If people cooperated themselves, they wouldn't need legislators.

30 Sep 2013

 

To Harry Reid Anarchy is the state of society in which legislators and their staffers have to pay for their own insurance without subsidies.

29 Sep 2013

 

Do you think they want you to obey their laws? No. They want you to break laws so that you walk around with a vague sense of guilt.

28 Sep 2013

 

Insofar as I am motivated only by the desire for money, my decisions are actually determined by the values of other people.

27 Sep 2013

 

Good things about Obamacare: Once we have Obamacare, we won't have so many Canadians cross the border to suck off our health care system.

27 Sep 2013

 

If you followed every bit of medical and mental health advice that you hear every day, what would your life be like?

24 Sep 2013

 

Susan says that a lot of people should get some new material.

22 Sep 2013

 

Let Tebow start for Cleveland for a few weeks and we won't hear any more nonsense about how he wants to be an NFL quarterback.

21 Sep 2013

 

There really is no limit to what you can do with other people's money.

21 Sep 2013

 

School: 20 t0 40 children sitting at miniature desks and obeying an "instructor." It sounds like something out of Dickens or kiddie porn.

18 Sep 2013

 

Bernanke cited a .3% drop in labor participation rate vs. a .8% drop in unemployment. It took me 1/2 hour to see the trick.

18 Sep 2013

 

Obama's team predicted in 2009 that the unemployment rate would now be at about 5.3% if the government did nothing.

18 Sep 2013

 

People who don't pay income tax think that their lives aren't affected by the income tax.

15 Sep 2013

 

The problem with class warfare is that taking $3 million from someone and giving everyone else a penny is not particularly appealing.

15 Sep 2013

 

Taking a penny from all US citizens in not a human interest story. Giving someone $3,000,000 is. Human interest stories are pro-socialist.

13 Sep 2013

 

The people of my country have turned the noun "disrespect" into a verb and used it so much they had to shorten it to "dis."

13 Sep 2013

 

My language has "to die young" as a common verb.

13 Sep 2013

 

To be fair to Putin for his anti-American remarks, the only Americans he has personally talked to were presidents.

11 Sep 2013

 

Remember when talking about a $20 trillion debt was reductio ad absurdum.

11 Sep 2013

 

Obama chooses "chemical weapons control." As with gun control, the problem is defined as things rather than people.

10 Sep 2013

 

Remember when Weiner was Obama's and the left's most enthusiastic hit man? How they all loved him then!

10 Sep 2013

 

Thieves rarely steal exercise equipment.

9 Sep 2013

 

I warned Susan not to put the words "John Kerry" and "unblievably small" together into a search engine.

9 Sep 2013

 

Obama Administration Admits That "Unbelievably Small Attack" May Cause Some Property Damage

9 Sep 2013

 

What will we get from Obama: A plan and a reasoned argument for attacking Syria or blame, denial, self-pity, and pre-emptive recrimination?

7 Sep 2013

 

The Pope is so annoying, he almost makes me root for Obama, "saying Peace, peace; when there is no peace." Jer 6:14

7 Sep 2013

 

 

Does anyone remember when they predicted a very active hurricane season?

6 Sep 2013

 

As the labor participation rate drops to Carter levels, unemployment drops to Bush levels.

5 Sep 2013

 

Does anyone wonder why Republicans are so despised? Obama is a moron and he still makes them look pathetic.

5 Sep 2013

 

Obama is like a philandering husband who is publicly rejected by a series of women, returns to his wife and lectures her about her duty.

5 Sep 2013

 

Obama could fundamentally remake modern America by obeying the Constitution and returning war-declaring to Congress.

5 Sep 2013

 

If Congress had any dignity, they would all vote "present" on the war unless Obama agreed that only they had the right to declare war.

4 Sep 2013

 

There is only one group of people in the world who are not openly contemptuous of Obama: Republicans.

2 Sep 2013

 

President Obama seems as though he actually wants to take military action in Syria. What does that mean???

1 Sep 2013

 

There are dozen of nationalities that I don't know slurs for. How do you racial insult an Albanian?

1 Sep 2013

 

You say that your parents, ancestors, and everyone before you was an evil predator or a stupid victim. You must be some sort of mutation.

1 Sep 2013

 

US is not the world's policeman because policemen are paid.

1 Sep 2013

 

Finally, a president who can get the French to agree with us.

31 Aug 2013

 

Hey, Republicans, Assad is standing up against Obama. Take a lesson. Obama won't use cruise missiles against you either.

30 Aug 2013

 

Why not just give a waiver from Obamacare to everyone who voted for Obama?

30 Aug 2013

 

Two birds with one missile. 1. Help out Islamic extremist. 2. Provoke an attack on Israel.

29 Aug 2013

 

Breaking up is hard to do, especially in North Korea.

28 Aug 2013

 

One US official who has been briefed said the president would seek a level of intensity (in Syria) "just muscular enough not to get mocked."

25 Aug 2013

 

You can't deny it. There is a dramatic increase in the reporting of youth crime.

24 Aug 2013

 

Look what you did to your government. Sorry America, you're not grown-up enough to have a government. Some one take it away.

24 Aug 2013

 

Leeches are a great improvement over lancets both in patient comfort and control of treatment.

21 Aug 2013

 

Obama has failed in one important way: He has not provoked a violent reaction. Unfortunately, he hasn't provoked any real reaction at all.

21 Aug 2013

 

Pay it forward. Do some community service and get in the habit in case it's part of your sentence.

21 Aug 2013

 

When people stop believing in a religion it disappears. It's the same for civilizations, which explains much of history.

21 Aug 2013

 

Progressives want to bring back the '30s and they already have the unemployment covered. KKK next.

20 Aug 2013

 

Everyone with a theory thinks that people should change. Oh, and they all hate you.

20 Aug 2013

 

Crime idea: Have an accomplice write e-mails and watch porn from your computer while you commit a crime. Electronic alibi.

14 Aug 2013

 

If you have to be racist to hate Obama, I'm willing to give it a try.

13 Aug 2013

 

Do you think it's possible that alcohol was involved?

12 Aug 2013

 

I apologize for calling Obama a socialist but I don't know what they prefer to be called.

10 Aug 2013

 

Those who oppose war most loudly are ardent champions of using governmental violence to control the economy.

10 Aug 2013

 

Before Obama many African-Americans actually had jobs and worked. And they call Lincoln "Great Emancipator."

7 Aug 2013

 

There is a reason that heirloom tomatoes are heirloom.

4 Aug 2013

 

We live in a country of 300 million people. If you can't find a news story to confirm your biases, you really shouldn't be a reporter.

1 Aug 2013

 

New Yorkers are embarrassed by Wiener but not by Bloomberg.

25 Jul 2013

 

Truth? Truth!!?? You can't handle the truth.--MSNBC

21 Jul 2013

 

No empire that has fallen has ever been reconstructed.

21 Jul 2013

 

This country is being swept by a tidal wave of stupidity--Tucker Carlson

20 Jul 2013

 

There's this thing called the Constitution. I hear that a lot of people believe in it.

Quaint. Still, it makes them happy.

20 Jul 2013

 

Can anyone tell me a place in the US where they don't say, "If you don't like the weather, wait a minute"?

20 Jul 2013

 

 

A guy gets a swastika tattoo and can't get a job. He blames "society" or "the Jews."

18 Jul 2013

 

What would the negros do without liberals?

16 Jul 2013

 

Even Fox is obsessed with the MSM's definition of news.

16 Jul 2013

 

A father in Soviet Poland told his children that the people they saw on TV may be talented, clever, or interesting, but they were the enemy.

14 Jul 2013

 

I am so happy that some of the people I follow don't follow me. There are some real idiots out there even if they are occasionally amusing.

14 Jul 2013

 

"I am a man more sinned against than sinning" King Lear. It feels good to be a victim again.

13 Jul 2013

 

Notice that the "conservative" news defines news as what the MSM says is news.

13 Jul 2013

 

Snowden, Zimmerman, and Tea Partiers: They all tried to make America a better place. Government can not tolerate such interference.

12 Jul 2013

 

Government plans to grant citizenship to 11 million racist, murdering latinos like Zimmerman.

10 Jul 2013

 

Reverse psychology seldom works on a cat.

8 Jul 2013

 

Wisdom and dignity start when you no longer have enough imagination to find new ways to be a jerk.

8 Jul 2013

 

Apparently no one in Egypt has heard the cliche definition of insanity.

3 Jul 2013

 

I heard some pro-choice lady orating about how politicians should not be making decisions about women's health.

3 Jul 2013

 

Correspondents in London report on what's happening in Cairo because they're so much closer to the action.

2 Jul 2013

 

Susan tells me that she's never seen a victim that she couldn't find a way to blame.

30 Jun 2013

 

Paula Deen voted for Obama and she can't compare to Alec Baldwin in odiousness. Unfortunately for her, she fit the profile.

24 Jun 2013

 

Snowden is now the conservatives' tar baby; the more they attack him the funnier Br'er NSA thinks they are.

24 Jun 2013

 

If animals could speak, I wouldn't be interested in what they had to say.

23 Jun 2013

 

Snowden should have played by the rules and the rule is that you go to jail when you say or do something the administration doesn't like.

23 Jun 2013

 

Susan thinks that the Catholic church is against tattooing but she has a hard time keeping up with all the religions' proscriptions.

22 Jun 2013

 

Define "Lucky."

20 Jun 2013

 

I'm not proud. Where do I buy the Clapper?

20 Jun 2013

 

Attacking a person for racism doesn't work very well if the person is a racist.

20 Jun 2013

 

It is fairly easy to be stoical if nothing bad ever happens to you.

19 Jun 2013

 

It is futile to negotiate with people who don't drink.

19 Jun 2013

 

If you must be a small mammal, have floppy ears or a bushy tail or something else cute or you will be mistaken for a rat.

18 Jun 2013

 

The turtle was invented in the 1930s as silly fake animal in a children's book.

18 Jun 2013

 

I might just be getting older but I've decided to become gay so I can become a member of a protected class.

18 Jun 2013

 

The NSA used that data to foil 50 plots. Was one of them the Tea Party plot to replace the president?

18 Jun 2013

 

I may agree with you but I don't want to be a face in your mob. Don't worry, I'm not in the right demographic anyway.

15 Jun 2013

 

It's insensitive to say "That's so gay." Instead, just say, "That's so lame."

15 Jun 2013

 

I am convinced that people say they like Obama in surveys only because surveys say that people like him. Oh, and to avoid being racist.

15 Jun 2013

 

I am not now nor have I ever been in favor of a Zombie Apocalypse.

12 Jun 2013

 

 

When these politicians talk about "our enemies," who are they referring to?

11 Jun 2013

 

If the NSA program had looked only at Muslim there would have been a huge outcry.

10 Jun 2013

 

I keep hearing people use the word "we" when they mean "the government."

10 Jun 2013

 

All these people who want to execute Snowden should consider that he could have been a Jihadist. The program makes the US less secure.

10 Jun 2013

 

NSA says, "Without us all of you would be dead."

10 Jun 2013

 

I think the government knows what I'm saying on the phone. Don't you think that terrorists are more suspicious than I am?

10 Jun 2013

 

After the NSA revelations, many terrorists have lost their expectations of privacy.

7 Jun 2013

 

I keep hearing security and privacy must be balanced. I think that the less government knows about me the more secure I feel.

7 Jun 2013

 

Exactly who does program Obama's teleprompter?

6 Jun 2013

 

Left and particularly right, the pundits don't seem to understand what some "future" politician can be do with the NSA Versison data.

6 Jun 2013

 

Is it culturally insensitive to treat a Muslim woman with respect?

5 Jun 2013

 

Why are they protesting in Istanbul?

That's nobody's business but the Turks.

4 Jun 2013

 

Why am I convinced that if you spell Turkish PM Erdogan’s name backward, it will mean something?

4 Jun 2013

 

Storm chaser should heed cousin Gwyneth's thinking: she won't go out on icy days so that she doesn't "strain the resources of the community"

2 Jun 2013

 

People tolerate government control over their lives and money because they have the illusion that government controls other people.

2 Jun 2013

 

Philosophers argue over what factors legitimize any particular government.

1 Jun 2013

 

Physicists tell us that matter can neither be created not destroyed, so where are my fingernail clippers?

1 Jun 2013

 

Everyone favors limited government. Everyone can think of something he doesn't want government to do.

1 Jun 2013

 

A big problem for government is that most people can read and write. That's why they invented public education.

1 Jun 2013

 

Limited government is a huge net where the fish think they swim freely until the net is slowly tightened.

31 May 2013

 

Similes without subjects: Like Barry White singing falsetto. Like Justin Bieber at 53.

30 May 2013

 

Achilles is no deader than Neville Chamberlain.

30 May 2013

 

Susan suggested putting flag out on our front porch but I don't want to get audited.

30 May 2013

 

COPS: Drunk driver was having sex when he crashed SUV into another car--Drudge

Verification for Poppy's only 1 stupid thing at a time rule.

30 May 2013

 

When I woke up I realized that I was subject to a state, local, and federal government. I thought, "Did we lose a war or something?"

29 May 2013

 

The problems caused by big government are caused by its not being big enough. Increase the size of government and the problems will go away.

27 May 2013

 

There are people who think that being president of the United States would be a wonderful accomplishment.

27 May 2013

 

A major goal of government is to have people reclassify common actions as injustices.

26 May 2013

 

When people complain about expansion of governmental power they always throw in the obligatory "What about some future, unnamed president?"

25 May 2013

 

The Republican Party and Lois Lerner need to go to the same place: obscurity.

25 May 2013

 

The evidence for profiling is very strong: The officer arrested only guilty people.

25 May 2013

 

Anyone claiming to free you is simply leading you to a different plantation.

25 May 2013

 

What good is gay marriage if you don't add some miscegenation? It's a sham, politically, hardly worth doing.

25 May 2013

 

Dear IRS: I have done nothing wrong. Besides, what difference does it make?

22 May 2013

 

I don't want to hear the word "chilling."

21 May 2013

 

What you're not suppose to say: "1. I'm hungry. 2. Can you give me $20? 3. Gretchen Carlson must be the most annoying person on the planet."

21 May 2013

 

What you're supposed to say: "I just thank God that we are all safe and well. Material stuff means nothing at a time like this."

20 May 2013

 

If I were president, people would expect me to have a dog. If I had a dog, it would expect me to feed it and take care of it. No thanks.

18 May 2013

 

Why would you even want your ducks in a row?

18 May 2013

 

Contrary to pundit wisdom, the crime is almost always worse than the cover up. That's why they cover up.

17 May 2013

 

Common wisdom: "It will all come out eventually." Really???

17 May 2013

 

The IRS affair is not a scandal; it is an advertisement. When nothing happens, you will know enough to stop objecting.

16 May 2013

 

If you put a politician under oath, does he lose the ability to lie?

16 May 2013

 

I plan to release 107 documents, none of which incriminates me. Case closed.

15 May 2013

 

I'm starting a new foundation: The Move Forward Progressive Foundation. Donations are tax exempt.

15 May 2013

 

Remember? "The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) has claimed that agents do not need warrants to read people's e-mails," etc. April 10, 2013.

14 May 2013

 

I think AP is the biggest story but we'll never know why. I think the administration was hiding something that AP never looked for.

14 May 2013

 

"A pressure cooker, in and of itself, is not an imminent danger to any individual or the country." TSA agent

10 May 2013

 

If we used the government definition of "insurance," we could buy life insurance after we died.

8 May 2013

 

If roses were as common as dandelions, I'd bitch about them too.

8 May 2013

 

The average American is like a soviet citizen. He knows the government and media are lying but he hears nothing else so he sort of believes.

7 May 2013

 

I was getting a little worried about government until Obama explained that I had been paying attention to the wrong people.

4 May 2013

 

Who are these Negroes that make remarks about gays? Don't they realize they are yesterday's minority. Get with the program, guys.

4 May 2013

 

Buzzards are very beautiful when they fly. Otherwise they are rather ugly.

4 May 2013

 

What if intelligent extraterrestrial aliens evolved from kangaroos? What do we do then??? Uh???

3 May 2013

 

No, no, no. It's cool to be collective.

3 May 2013

 

Hey kid, try not to be so picky./And don't be so selective./In America these days/It's hip to be collective.

2 May 2013

 

Who do I have to kill to be considered a mastermind?

29 Apr 2013

 

Is being gay now compulsory?

29 Apr 2013

 

Who am I supposed to want to win in the Syrian civil war???

29 Apr 2013

 

I don't consider a car to be broken in until I ruin the parking brake.

28 Apr 2013

 

Remember the 1960s when guys protested to get girls? What kind of chicks did they get? Scary!

28 Apr 2013

 

Boston bombing: Where were Boris and Natasha? Where were moose and squirrel?

28 Apr 2013

 

As I explained to Susan, if you can't reason with a cat, you have to use sarcasm on it.

28 Apr 2013

 

It is foolish to think that government can: Secure the borders; prevent terrorist acts; end gang violence; teach kids to read; stop crime. It is wise to believe that government can: Run all health care; keep the world peaceful and safe; control people’s diet and exercise

 

14 Apr 2014

"You get what you get when you go for it."--Inmate 8093572

 

9 Apr 2014

We must have government? Who is more in need of governance: you or the politicians?

 

8 Apr 2014

What does it tell you about the nature of government that people can always be counted on to vote for change?

 

27 Mar 2014

General Alexander on Snowden, "I'm not a violent man..." Did he read the job description for general?

 

25 Mar 2014

Pro-choice woman, "Politicians have no business in our medical decisions." Presumably pro-Obamacare.

 

15 Mar 2014

Can someone explain to me the phrase "Two drink minimum"?

 

15 Mar 2014

I refuse to eat blood oranges for humanitarian reasons.

 

15 Mar 2014

I'll explain that Malaysian plane disappearance as soon as I find my TV's remote control.

 

13 Mar 2014

Republicans can't just say no. They must come up with their own plan for doing something that may be impossible and is probably undesirable.

 

6 Mar 2014

Oh-hum. Yawn. Tell me when they legalize something that I want.

 

5 Mar 2014

The only reason these deluded gasbags can sit around tables in Paris drinking Evian is because I pay taxes and I call them morons.

 

4 Mar 2014

Market analyst, "We expect that unemployment numbers will be in line with expectations."

 

3 Mar 2014

You know how people don't know the difference between tax "return" and "refund"? I just heard a news reader throw "rebate" into the mix.

 

2 Mar 2014

I'm filling out my Ohio taxes and I came to the instruction, "If deceased, check box."

 

28 Feb 2014

Why are people gratified by thinking they will die if they eat an egg, go without health insurance, see a cigarette, or drink a coke?

 

25 Feb 2014

These politicians have some really great ideas and just as soon as one of them starts spending his own money on one of them, I'll listen.

 

21 Feb 2014

Guy who sits on a sled is banned from Olympics for doping.

 

20 Feb 2014

When the founders talked about "freedom of speech," they didn't realize that someone would invent the megaphone.

 

18 Feb 2014

My grandfather and great grandfather could tell a good horse from a bad horse. Every age has its own knowledge. We know foreign foods.

 

15 Feb 2014

I thought I was watching Monty Python but it turned out to be the Winter Olympics.

 

14 Feb 2014

97% of climate change scientists believe in climate change, which compares favorably to the 95.8% of astrologers who believe in astrology.

 

14 Feb 2014

I am so intelligent that I think the Oak Ridge Boys are nuclear scientists.

 

12 Feb 2014

I have all the important logical fallacies on my side.

 

12 Feb 2014

Marijuana Legalized: Hilarity Ensues

 

11 Feb 2014

I find it very annoying to see a stop light in the distance and it doesn't matter whether it is red or green.