20 Mar 2012

Headlines 2020: “Iran Near A-Bomb” “Market Falls on Greek Fears.”

Some things will never change.

21 Mar 2012

Afghanistan lesson: If you want to conquer a country, you have to

make sure it has a strong central government = preconquered.

23 Mar 2012

What if smoking cures AIDS?

23 Mar 2012

Obama fast tracks pipeline from Enid, OK to Enid Heights, OK.

23 Mar 2012

Spanish Speaking Zimmerman achieves instant Bubbahood by shooting Negro.

25 Mar 2012

Cheney receives new heart before Death Panels go into effect.

1 Apr 2012

Thank God I didn't win the lottery and have everyone bother me.

People can't tell good luck from bad luck.

2 Apr 2012

No perfect crime??? I just used Scrubbing Bubbles in a manner that

it wasn't designed for.

6 Apr 2012

I checked the Romer/Bernstein graph for the recovery without the

$trillion stimulus. They warned that we could be at 6.7% unemployed by noq.


7 Apr 2012

Campaign 2012: “Vote Romney: We Can’t Take Four More Years of Bush.”

7 Apr 2012

I don’t find Ron Paul more embarrassing than any other candidate,

but I do find him very embarrassing.

7 Apr 2012

J. Carney explains why Bill Maher is funny.

7 Apr 2012

Pink Slime is very frightening until you think about Salmon. At

least PS doesn't taste like fish.

8 Apr 2012

What sort of fiend would hide an egg???

8 Apr 2012

I saw a bunny eating grass on a lawn this morning. I had to chide it

for perpetuating stereotypes.

8 Apr 2012

Later today I saw a very black crow with an Easter lily in its beak.

I, of course, congratulated it on post-modern ironic juxtaposition.

8 Apr 2012

Today, I reread John Donne’s “Goodfriday, 1613, Riding Westward.”

Not the best poem but I love the title.

12 Apr 2012

If I were Zimmerman's lawyer: Judge: Guilty or innocent? Zimmerman:

No habla Ingles.

12 Apr 2012

The people who gave us the tax code (with all its central planning)

now refer to their handiwork as "loopholes."

13 Apr 2012

Whoever said that two heads are better than one should have provided

more context.

15 Apr 2012

April 14, 1912: Global warming begins with unprovoked attack on

North Atlantic iceburg.

15 Apr 2012

A lot of rich people, particularly in government, think that many

Americans sit around fuming at everyone who is rich.

15 Apr 2012

I asked Susan whether she would like some Swiss steak for dinner and

she said she was neutral.

16 Apr 2012

In case of offense: I am deeply sorry if you are so stupid as to be

offended by my totally accurate and insightful remarks.

16 Apr 2012

Let's get off the NSA's back. At least they don't stiff their


19 Apr 2012

Paul Ryan Says “No Free Soap.” Laundry Freedom or Attack on Women’s

Hygiene? Polls Show Women Oppose.

19 Apr 2012

The Cleveland Indians' Chief Wahoo is one mascot that is actually

offensive to Native Americans.

19 Apr 2012

"I like Obama as a person," is one of the most racist statements

I've heard. The speaker confuses the president with Stepin Fetchit.

21 Apr 2012

Main stream media asks: "What Does Polygamy Do to Your DNA"?

21 Apr 2012

Flash: No one famous has died today so far.

21 Apr 2012

The enemy of my enemy is just some other moron who wants to take my

money and tell me what to do.

23 Apr 2012

Lady in spaghetti sauce add: "I wonder what other questionable

choices I have made."

24 Apr 2012

I came up with two plans last night: 1. Acquire a federally funded

disability. 2. Start a group that awards prizes to each other.

25 Apr 2012

There is only one reason I can think of for converting to Islam (not

black muslimhood): the converter can not deal with women.

26 Apr 2012

Half-white president refuses to protect half-latino suspect from

lynch mob.

26 Apr 2012

If it is good politics to do nothing in an election year, why don't

we have anarchy? Is it smart to run against a "do-nothing" Congress?

1 May 2012

I don’t care what you do or say, I will not mention “preterition.”

1 May 2012

I'm old enough to remember when anarchists didn't protest for bigger


3 May 2012

Obama reminds me of that guy who keeps 9 plates spinning on sticks

but he goes from one thing to another leaving broken pottery everywhere.

3 May 2012

E.Holder on R.Clemens: "The charges … are serious ones. It's about

testifying falsely before Congress. On that basis, … it was justified."

4 May 2012

April: 115,000 jobs created – over 1,400,000 first time unemployment

claims = .1% drop in unemployment.

5 May 2012

If Romney wins, the people will not have rejected central planning;

they will have chosen Romney as a better central planner than Obama.

6 May 2012

bin Laden's pornography collection: In olden days a glimpse of

stocking was looked on as something shocking. "Babes in Burquas"?

7 May 2012

I don't know what "austerity" is but the French don't like it. Does

it have something to do with the White House Correspondents Dinner.

8 May 2012

I have no idea how to win an election. I do know that many more than

half of the experts have run losing elections.

9 May 2012

Obabama disappointed with N.C. voters for agreeing with his

position. Evolution to follow.

9 May 2012

Obama's position on gay marriage evolves: The president now favors

heavy petting.

13 May 2012

Mother’s Day: Susan says that people honor institutions only after

they are dead. Are we going to get Heterosexual Marriage Day soon?

14 May 2012

My mother would say, "He lies when the truth is funnier."

14 May 2012

My favorite is from the Beverly Hillbillies: "He lies so much, he

has to hire some one to call his dog."

14 May 2012

Susan on gay marriage: I guess there are people really into

sacraments who give a crap.

14 May 2012

How are you supposed to get elected if FEC won't let you hide your

mistress from your cancer-stricken wife and the voters?

15 May 2012

Two kinds of people hold hands in public: gays and politicians.

15 May 2012

Libertarianism is not popular because people don't care about

freedom; they want control. The state promises control for freedom.

15 May 2012

Jimmy Fallon: “or as I call him, the Preezie of the United

Steezie.”: Kind of make you long for the days of William Howard Taft.

15 May 2012

I'm hearing a lot of paranoid material about US drones. I assume

that the government can find everything about you now and a law you


17 May 2012

Somewhere in the west there's a poverty-stricken Cherokee woman who

should be teaching at Harvard.

17 May 2012

Elizabeth Warren: Cherokee at Harvard: Harvard faculty members would

be embarrassed to attend a minstral show but not to participate in one

17 May 2012

Did Breitbart invent Elizabeth Warner?

17 May 2012

RFK Jr.'s estranged wife reduces her carbon footprint.

17 May 2012

Barack Obama: the Nehru jacket of the 21st century.

18 May 2012

The most stable and longest lasting form of government was

pharoahism, in which the head of church and state were combined in

one person.

18 May 2012

That person was then scientifically bred for the greatest likelihood

of idiocy.

18 May 2012

The only form of government that people seem unable to live under is

aggressive socialism.

19 May 2012

Don't think of a word too much. I couldn't stop at metrosexual.

"Retrosexual": old fashion guy who sits on the couch and complains.

19 May 2012

"Netrosexual": Looks for porn with his computer. "Extrosexual":

Talks about sex a lot. "Petrosexual": Loves his dog.

19 May 2012

"Romosexual": Italian gigolo."Monosexual": English for the Spanish

Manosexual. I'm going to contemplate "French Fries" now.

20 May 2012

Travolta in scandals. Donna Summers dead. When I consider the future

of Disco, I tremble.

20 May 2012

A credit card has 4 edges and 2 sides. There are 8 ways to swipe a

card and 7 of them are wrong.

20 May 2012

Best bet: Look at the machine in a puzzled manner until the clerk

grabs your card and testily asks, "Can I help you with that?"

21 May 2012

And now Robin Gibbs dies: Disco, Quo Vadis?

21 May 2012

I thought I saw bunny ears in the clouds this morning. It turned out

that they were satanic horns.

21 May 2012

Pack up all your cares and woes: It would be inappropriate and

racist for Romney to use “Bye, Bye Black Bird” as his campaign song.

21 May 2012

Austerity vs. Growth: I know what these words mean but I have no

idea what the G-8 leaders are talking about when they use them.

22 May 2012

Moderates: People who think the US should go only half a trillion in

debt per year.

22 May 2012

Obama’s attack on private equity is about as effective as Paul’s

attack on the Fed.

22 May 2012

Obama’s attack on Bain Equity works well with people obsessed with

the Defenestrations of Prague.

23 May 2012

Old news: apparently the electorate cares only about things that

they first hear after Nov. 1.

24 May 2012

There is an Internet rumor that some Catholics aren't happy with

Obamacare. I'll check it out on Snopes.

25 May 2012

Soon Obama will take his rightful place along side I.M. PEI and AYN

Rand as a crossword puzzle answer. How long Lord? How long?

25 May 2012

I'll vote for the candidate who promises that the US will join the

EU and provide me with a pension from the Germans.

26 May 2012

Oh yeah? I have photoshopographic proof.

26 May 2012

I just watched some Food Network show. What sort of fiend put fries

into a sandwich. There's a reason for the word "Side."

27 May 2012

Here I am: Stuck forever in the eternal present.

27 May 2012

2Kgs:6:17: And Elisha prayed, and said, LORD, I pray thee, open his

eyes, that he may see.

28 May 2012

Some partisans use veterans to justify their foreign policy in the

same way others use “the children” to justify their domestic schemes.

29 May 2012

Memorial Day 2012 is only a memory now. I watched some "WWII in HD."

It's hard for any other generation to complain but we make the effort.

29 May 2012

Is there a difference between sacrificing for your country and

sacrificing for your country's government?

29 May 2012

My brother returned from Viet Nam a complete dipsomanic. To be fair,

he arrived there in the same condition.

29 May 2012

I was married Mem. Day 1968. Easy to remember until they made it a

Monday holiday.

29 May 2012

Had I died in 1968, I would have made a beautiful memory. So much

potential. What could have been? I make myself sad thinking about it.

29 May 2012

The probability wave collapses and we are left with a cat: dead or

alive, but still a cat.

29 May 2012

It's worse than spending Christmas morning with the Schrödingers.

29 May 2012

Baby Boomers: "The Greatest Generation" thought that they'd

reproduce themselves and look what happened.

29 May 2012

Polish father to children around 1990: "The people you see on TV may be

entertaining and talented but they are your enemies."

30 May 2012

I'll be with you as soon as I get directions from Heisenburg.

31 May 2012

We don't need another Eden; Put your flaming sword away.

31 May 2012

Soviet humor: Good news: Communism has socialized North Africa. Bad

news: North Africa now has to ration sand.

31 May 2012

I never hear of a porn "bit player." Why is everyone in porn a "Star"?

31 May 2012

Idea for a reality show: A group of grammar teachers attempts to

diagram a sentence by Jay Carney.

31 May 2012

The FEC (department of restricting speech) wasted a few million

prosecuting Edwards.

31 May 2012

Why not just let people say or pay for what they want to say? And by

the way, let them say it or pay for it anonymously if they want to.

31 May 2012

Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech. Is

that so hard?

2 Jun 2012

Is it just me or is there a lot of cannibalism going around?

2 Jun 2012

The moderate position is “Free speech as long as the funding is

known.” The moderate position in Germany was “Kill only 1/2 the Jews.”

2 Jun 2012

There is nothing more dangerous than a moderate. Moderates are

willing to compromise with anything.

3 Jun 2012

You said you were going to the store; I knew that you went to the

bar. And now you’re headed to Maine; This time you've gone too far.

4 Jun 2012

Three Dead in Graduation Day Crash: Think of the wasted study,

vaccinations, and dentist visits.

4 Jun 2012

Those who depend on the main stream media for information probably

believe that they have nothing to fear from cannibals

5 Jun 2012

I don't understand why the left is so enamored of unions. Hasn't

anyone ever heard of Poland or Solidarity? Will Obama turn against


5 Jun 2012

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the USA and to the republic for

which it stands and to any lame laws and stupid rulers it imposes on me.

5 Jun 2012

People get upset about declaring the US to be a nation "under God"

while they are pledging allegiance to a piece of fabric.

6 Jun 2012

First they came for the slurpies. I didn't drink slurpies. Then they

came for the double bacon cheeseburgers. Ditto. The 40 oz can???

7 Jun 2012

On Throwing Out Old Garlic: If garlic were expensive as truffles,

we’d save up and eat it once a year and the brag about having eaten it.

7 Jun 2012

If I knew the true value of things, I’d be richer than Bill Gates.

The idiot prays “Lord, make me rich.” The wise man prays “Open my eyes.”

7 Jun 2012

Lord, make me less of an idiot, but hold off on that wise thing for

a while.

7 Jun 2012

The most humiliating memories I have are of times when I tried to

look smart.

8 Jun 2012

I cannot hear the songs you sing because your hearts have all been broken.

8 Jun 2012

A lot of things make more sense when you understand that the state

is the god of many modern people.

8 Jun 2012

"My desolation does begin to make A better life. 'Tis paltry to be

Caesar." Shakespeare's dying Cleopatra.

9 Jun 2012

Why do you hate Bush and Obama? You applaud 100 years of war and

state growth but now you say they’ve gone too far.

9 Jun 2012

The Queen is popular because she doesn’t make policy. Susan would

limit the state to monument maintenance and historical reenactments.

10 Jun 2012

There may be some confusion. I don't care if every rich person loses

every cent he has. I just don't want to state to get any of it.

10 Jun 2012

http://moveon.org: mortician and funeral

services. Unavailable in states with strict antifraud laws.

11 Jun 2012

Until they outlaw or repeal the Affordable Health Care Act, I am

boycotting the health care system.

12 Jun 2012

How about a Tourette syndrome theme park? #$#%@land.

If we had no government, people would steal and assault and kill. If

there were no state, we would have to have locks and keys.

14 Jun 2012

No matter who you are or what you do, if you are president, 15% of

the people will despise you and 20% more will think that you’re an


14 Jun 2012

Government, death, and homosexuality: We know they exist but it’s

unhealthy to think too much about them.

14 Jun 2012

Economists are like lawyers working for their ideological clients.

Now we have accountants doing the same thing.

14 Jun 2012

Whoever said that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush may

want to rethink his life choices.

15 Jun 2012

Either there are no miracles or we are so deep in a sea of miracles

that we can’t see them. In either case miracles are not our business.

15 Jun 2012

Do you think that blimps present any opportunities for international


16 Jun 2012

It's time for the right to embrace racism. They get all the downside

of being called racists with none of the benefits.

16 Jun 2012

Prediction: Greeks Fail Again to Form Government

16 Jun 2012

I just saw a monster truck on TV. I wondered what the size of the tires

says about the owner's sexual endowment.

17 Jun 2012

Obama has a higher opinion of the free market than the right does.

He thinks it’s indestructible and can provide unlimited funds for him.

18 Jun 2012

What do I need to do to get placed on paid administrative leave?

19 Jun 2012

Good health, good health care, good health care insurance: These

three things are different from each other.

19 Jun 2012

Puff the Magic President: "Teachable moment," "3 year proposition."

A politician must never use the correct words for things.

19 Jun 2012

Putin Gives Obama a Nuggie. President Replies That Putin Has Cooties.

19 Jun 2012

Progressives believe that everyone who came before them is an idiot

They abort anyone who might come later so they won't be called idiots.

19 Jun 2012

“Vet” and “went missing” became popular at the same time. They sound

English to me.

19 Jun 2012

To be fair “disappeared” (went missing) seems to imply something

supernatural, but “vet” sounds like a search for rabies shots records.

20 Jun 2012

Who came up with the word "play boy"? It sounds like someone simple

minded. My mother used to call homosexuals "funny boys." Sounds gay.

20 Jun 2012

So what happens if congress holds you in contempt? Do you have to

sit in the corner?

22 Jun 2012

The language of politics is such that you can defend anything and

sound plausible, even Snidely Whiplash and Eric Von Zipper.

22 Jun 2012

Syria shoots down Turkish warplane. No doubt everyone will urge


23 Jun 2012

If the government takes as much money as it can and the people fight

to get their share or it, why isn't that "trickle down" economics?

23 Jun 2012

Fear and "the children" are the working tools of insurance salesmen

and the politician.

23 Jun 2012

Susan says that it would solve a couple of problems if vegetarians

tasted better.

24 Jun 2012

Whenever someone does something really moronic, he is always

arrested for something. Why not just make it a crime to be an asshole

in public?

24 Jun 2012

Conservatives want to use “market forces” for health care problems.

A real market (ending drug laws and doctor licensing) horrifies them.

24 Jun 2012

It's strange that we never heard that the health care system was

"broken" until Medicare and Medicaid had been in place for a while.

24 Jun 2012

Everyone who has considered the facts knows that purpose of the

Affordable Healthcare Act is to fail and be "reformed."

24 Jun 2012

Poppy on those who videotape their crimes et al.: If you hold

yourself to one stupid thing at a time, you can probably stay out of


24 Jun 2012

If ignorance of the law is no excuse, then What is???--Poppy

25 Jun 2012

I have read that people now would rather be famous than rich.

25 Jun 2012

"Actress calls American public 'dangerously uninformed.'" How can

you improve on that?

25 Jun 2012

Can I get NBC to edit my life?

26 Jun 2012

You say that men are all the same//You say you must be free//Here I

am still missing you//While you’re still ms-ing me.

26 Jun 2012

The great skyscaper of American democracy is built on a foundation

of 9 toothpicks.

27 Jun 2012

Please judge me by the color of my skin rather than the content of

my character. However, wait a month until my tan is better.

28 Jun 2012

Debt allows the clients of the state to ignore the fact that other

people's money has run out. Unions and Greens can still link arms.

28 Jun 2012

Constitution is still in effect. Professional justices are still

enforcing it. Time to rethink that whole government thing?

28 Jun 2012

7-2 Congress can't punish states for ignoring mandate on Medicaid.

5-4 the Congress can demand anything from you if they involve a tax.

28 Jun 2012

Among things not to think too much about is the origin of the word


29 Jun 2012

Hey, Lefty, you can let that Roberts kid go now.

29 Jun 2012

No, I haven’t argued before the Supreme Court but I have argued with

a brick wall. Close enough?

29 Jun 2012

OK, I haven't found any witches yet, but I did find two brooms and a

pointy hat.

30 Jun 2012

From a mouse's point of view, a bunny is gigantic, and quite


30 Jun 2012

College is too expensive. It is cheaper just to watch nothing but

MSNBC for five years. Do that, and you'll be qualified for the Spr. Ct.

30 Jun 2012

Stocks Soar on News of European Debt Deal. You can’t make it up.

1 Jul 2012

The Democrats will defend Obamacare until (and if) Obama wins a

second term. They will then "improve" it.

1 Jul 2012

Next time you hear a pundit, ask yourself, "Did this person predict

that Obamacare would be upheld under the taxing power of the Fed Gvt?"

1 Jul 2012

Your mother called it psycho. The judge called it stalking. But I

call it love.

2 Jul 2012

Roberts was playing chess while others played checkers? Could be: He

was reading the NYTimes while others were reading the Constitution.

3 Jul 2012

Pascal’s wager says you should believe in God just in case God and

Hell are real. Compare "Global Warming."

4 Jul 2012

How long does it take to improvise an explosive devise? I need to

know by Thursday.

4 Jul 2012

It should be a colorful 4th. I just traded our cow for some Higgs


4 Jul 2012

I am experimenting with a weight loss program where the subject can

eat anything without Higgs Bosons in it.

5 Jul 2012

"A perennial reservoir of trashy pietism."

5 Jul 2012

I thought I saw an angel this morning but it turned out to be a buzzard.

5 Jul 2012

I've been following Occupy WS for more than 12 hours now and I still

don't have a Nobel Prize.

5 Jul 2012

What's recommended daily allowance of polonium?

6 Jul 2012

Stossel on discriminating against people with preexisting

conditions: Apply that to car ins and we'd all pay the same rate as

Lindsey Lohan.

6 Jul 2012

I'm getting tired of people complaining about "political

correctness," and people who claim to be "politically incorrect."


6 Jul 2012

Is the state the modern God? Would you rather be married to a person

of another religion or to a person who planned to vote for Obama?

6 Jul 2012

Remember stimulus? Romer and Bernstein warned that if we didn't

spend all that money, the unemployment rate would now be 6.2%.

6 Jul 2012

From my point of view, it's better to make a virtue of necessity

than a necessity of virtue. That may just be me.

7 Jul 2012

Riddle: What do Dick Cavett, Jimmy Carter, and Ernest Borgnine have

in common?

7 Jul 2012

Answer: Despite popular opinion and desire, they are all alive. One

man's living history is another man's zombie apocalypse.

8 Jul 2012

Technically, the recession ended in June 2009.

9 Jul 2012

Romney ad: In 2009 Obama promised we would never reach 8%

unemployment. In 2012, he’s promising we will.

9 Jul 2012

Until a government has eliminated crime and fear of foreign

invasion, it should not take on any other duties.

9 Jul 2012

People think Romney has no economic plans when he has too many.

Funny how people hold their own ignorance against you.

9 Jul 2012

Those making over 250K can afford to pay more. True. However, we

cannot afford to give the federal government any more money.

9 Jul 2012

Every morning I wake up tell myself, "If someone yells 'Hey,

A__hole!', I will not turn around.

10 Jul 2012

I watch The Bourne Ultimatum last night. The punchline was that a

part of the US Government was assassinating people, some were US


10 Jul 2012

A lot of people think that a political poll is a quiz with right and

wrong answers.

12 Jul 2012

This morning Imus hoped that in Biden's speech to the NAACP he would

use ebonics.

12 Jul 2012

Conservatives can give you 3 hrs of arguments against entitlements

but want to provide the whole world with free national defense.

12 Jul 2012

You don't understand. If you repeal Obamacare, you are all going to die.

13 Jul 2012

We had a nice interlude: No one gave the decade a name (50s, 60s,

etc.) and made tasteless generalizations about it. Now we have the


13 Jul 2012

As bizarre as it sounds, someone will look back on today with nostalgia.

13 Jul 2012

I'm waiting for the administration to socialize age so that I can be 49.

Too bad youngsters. We are the 51%.

13 Jul 2012

Ambitious? The most impressive thing you can do is to create something

that people will say was made anonymously or by a space alien.

13 Jul 2012

I have some very profound things to say once I learn to type.

15 Jul 2012

“The Russians will become a little more capitalistic and we’ll

become a little more communistic and we’ll meet.” 1960’s


15 Jul 2012

Any completely new idea is necessarily wrong. Don't listen to

dolphins or space aliens. They don't understand humans.

15 Jul 2012

If you get a bunch of experts together and give them the power to

tax and to imprision, you can solve any problem.

15 Jul 2012

Here’s an idea: Let’s all get together and vote to give a group of

people the power to take our money and tell us what to do.

15 Jul 2012

Sorry about my last tweet. I meant "take other people's money and

tell other people what to do." Now, that's better.

16 Jul 2012

"Capitalism" is a pejorative word. I believe in economic anarchy.

16 Jul 2012

No surrogates, no donors, no operatives, no volunteers. It's a

miracle that I can get out of bed. I deserve a monument.

17 Jul 2012

Obama: "If you’ve got a business — you didn’t build that." Fair's

fair. Get government out of education, road-building, protection, etc.

17 Jul 2012

The virtues of the past are always despised and mocked. Let's start

mocking the virtues of the present.

18 Jul 2012

An Effort to Beat the Heat Turns Tragic.

18 Jul 2012

God bless I. M. Pei, Yoko Ono, and Ayn Rand. Without them we would

have no crossword puzzles.

18 Jul 2012

As the dyslexics say, it’s a dog eat god world.

19 Jul 2012

386,000 Apply for Unemployment: Who knew there were that many people

still working?

19 Jul 2012

Time to find a disability before the November rush. Dibbs on black lung.

19 Jul 2012

See that road, Obama? You didn’t build that. You never did any

physical work and never paid any taxes that you didn’t receive first.

19 Jul 2012

They say Obama insulted all entrepreneurs. He actually insulted

everyone who ever tried to do anything, anyone who ever made an effort.

20 Jul 2012

Who knows? Within an hour of the Ft. Hood shooting the FBI declared

that it was not terrorist related.

20 Jul 2012

Who knew? The guy who killed the Israelis in Bulgaria spent time in


20 Jul 2012

Try to remember everything that is said about the Colorado shooting

in the MSM in the next few days and compare it to what you know in a yr.

20 Jul 2012

In covering today's shooting, I hear about a "free society" as

though you would be safe in, say, Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia or

N. Korea.

 21 Jul 2012

First comes denial, then outrage, then grief, then tasteless

generalizations about the state of society.

21 Jul 2012

I thought the UN was invented by 50s scifi movies and disappeared

when they started making scifi movies in color.

21 Jul 2012

The real definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and

expecting the same result.

22 Jul 2012

No, no, no. I don't want FOOD. I want food stamps.

23 Jul 2012

There is nothing a person will defend more passionately than his own

misery. He will give you 10 reasons why change is impossible.

23 Jul 2012

"I can't imagine how that can be." Lack of imagination is more

paralyzing than lack of intelligence.

23 Jul 2012

People use their brains and imaginations to keep themselves from

doing or thinking anything new.

23 Jul 2012

Whoever said not to look a gift horse in the mouth was so right on

so many levels.

23 Jul 2012

Everything you see and hear on television is political or as

Marlowe's Mephistopheles said in Dr. Faust, "This is hell, nor am I

out of it."

24 Jul 2012

I am always amused by polls that ask about matters of fact. They

prove that 8% to 12% can be counted on to believe nonsense.

25 Jul 2012

Your restraining order says "no, no"; but your eyes tell me "yes."

25 Jul 2012

If you love something, you are an addict and need an intervention.

25 Jul 2012

The best music is played on a hot Sunday night on a station that you

can only barely hear through the static.

26 Jul 2012

Thousands of miles of roads have been built privately but I've never

heard of a politician building or paying for one with his own money.

27 Jul 2012

Hitler set the Olympic standard. Let's see what the English can do.

And please don't use the word "pond."

27 Jul 2012

And then we get see people who have perfected their abilities in

doing things that no one wants done.

27 Jul 2012

Sotomayer cited federalism and original intent to uphold state and

local gun control. See "Doctrine of Incorporation."

27 Jul 2012

People who have achieved a certain level of intellectual expertise

in a some obscure field believe they are entitled to spend your money.

27 Jul 2012

If Obama is reelected, what a great opportunity for you to be an old

bore telling everyone how it used to be.

28 Jul 2012

"And we conclude these opening ceremonies with a Salute to the Wogs."

28 Jul 2012

The best thing we got from England is the word "Wankers." WANKERS

28 Jul 2012

I watched the opening ceremonies because Susan wanted to. In our 44

year marriage, that counted as "the bad times."

29 Jul 2012

If we get rid of "w" and just go with 2 "u"s, we could probably save

$7 billion over the next 5 years.

29 Jul 2012

47-Year-Old Sexual Predator Poses On-Line as Justin Bieber.

30 Jul 2012

As of August 1, 2012, the United States government can no longer

afford the "b" in "debt." Please us "det" until further notice.

31 Jul 2012

I was going to change my oil but then I had a change of heart.

31 Jul 2012

If marriage is between one man and one woman, which man? Which woman?

1 Aug 2012

Susan explains Mayor Bloomberg: "He's probably dating a 23-year-old

aerobics instructor."

2 Aug 2012

Complete Vindication

4 Aug 2012

I know there must be some sort of cleverness in "Chick-fil-a"; I

just don't know what it is.

5 Aug 2012

I stared down the railroad tracks this morning to get some

perspective on things.

5 Aug 2012

Those in favor of gay marriage say that all people should be able to

marry anyone they want to. ???

6 Aug 2012

Should I do what I want to do or what I want to have done?

7 Aug 2012

You don't have to be sick to be selfish. You might as well stay healthy.

7 Aug 2012

You don't have to be sick to lie around all day watching TV and


7 Aug 2012

In a dream I felt sorry for myself. I forgot what that feeling was

like. It was nice and very comforting.

8 Aug 2012

Bain buys companies for $20m and sells the parts for $50m. Try to

buy a house for $20,000 and sell the parts for $50,000. Something’s


8 Aug 2012

Markets Fall on European Debt Fears. I just thought I keep you up on

the breaking news.

8 Aug 2012

Facebook stocks soar on news of Cute Cat Olympics.

8 Aug 2012

I bought some bath salts. Very expensive but my skin has never been


11 Aug 2012

Romney missed out on great idea for a reality show: "Survivor:

Vice-Prsidential Candidate."

11 Aug 2012

Rubio is eliminated when he is unable to say "Obama is a nice guy

who is just not up to the job" without laughing or rolling his eyes.

11 Aug 2012

Portman eliminated for inability to stay awake during Biden speech.

11 Aug 2012

Christie voted off the platform for pizza sauce-stained shirt.

12 Aug 2012

"I'm not going to live like this," I said right before I cut my hand.

12 Aug 2012

Paul Ryan: Democratic briar patch or tar baby?

12 Aug 2012

Any time you hear the word "We" in political discourse, you are

being lied to. Mentally rephrase the sentence to discover what is

being said

13 Aug 2012

Some people worry, “Am I right with God? Am I doing what God wants?”

Most people worry, “How’s my medical insurance?”

13 Aug 2012

My wildest ambition is to be "taken out of context."

14 Aug 2012

I wonder what Obama's approval rate is among people who have

mastered addition and subtraction.

14 Aug 2012

Was Assad on Monty Python?

14 Aug 2012

Every time I download a "local" weather radar map, Beverly Hills

comes up. That must mean something.

14 Aug 2012

Wait until Obama fixes the Internet.

14 Aug 2012

I need to be more unselfish. I need a cause. Unselfish people with

causes make a lot more money than I do.

14 Aug 2012

Lets not be too hard on Biden. Take into account his coal-mining roots.

14 Aug 2012

Susan says that the best tweets (like the best Halloween costumes)

have to be explained.

16 Aug 2012

Free yourself of the idea that government will or even can do what

you think it should do. That’s a start.

16 Aug 2012

Free yourself of the notion that you can be unselfish. All your

motives for action come from inside your mind, inside your self.

16 Aug 2012

Your conflict is not between good and evil actions. It is between

what you want to do and what you want to have done.

16 Aug 2012

There may be more than a similar sound between conservation and


18 Aug 2012

You can never go home again, particularly if you live on a one way


18 Aug 2012

Anthony Wiener tried to blame Breitbart for his problems. Those who

forget that might ask what he did that was so wrong.

18 Aug 2012

What ever happened to astrology? They were making great strides in

in 1960s and now we hardly hear of it.

19 Aug 2012

Reflecting on my life, I realized that I had never used the word

"parapet" in conversation.

20 Aug 2012

For those who disagree, let me remind you that I have a PhD in

phrenology with special attention to Piltdown studies.

 Retweet Ken Jennings:

Remember when Macbeth was all cocky because "no man born of woman"

could kill him and then he got murdered by a robot?

 2012 Retweet Anon:

Thought I had a Mormon at my door, but thank god it was just someone

telling me they were a registered sex offender.

21 Aug 2012

Reported remark of a surgeon performing a liver transplant on an

alcoholic: This man would make a better kidney donor than a liver


22 Aug 2012

I usually don't like it when merchants rush the season, but I make

an exception in the case of Oktoberfest.

22 Aug 2012

Hey, Prince Harry, put on your Nazi uniform; it's less embarrassing.

22 Aug 2012

A number of people confuse irony with poetic justice. Try not to be

one of them.

22 Aug 2012

OK. You don't like Prince Harry as a Nazi and you don't like him nude. As

Susan says, "Jesus, you people are hard to please."

22 Aug 2012

Public service announcement: Instructions for hot wiring cars so

idiots won't car jack vehicles with 3-year-olds in the back seat.

24 Aug 2012

You get laid off and then shoot 10 people. Think about it. How will

that look on your resume?

24 Aug 2012

Take a healthy, wealthy man with a nice family and friends. Put a

lemon seed–sized stone in his shoe and that’s all he’ll think about.

25 Aug 2012

I'm offended. No wait. I'm outraged

25 Aug 2012

At the pinnacle of their civilization, the Krell were destroyed by

the primitive within, Monsters from the Id.-punchline to Forbidden


25 Aug 2012

If I knew now what I know now, I'd be right where I am.

26 Aug 2012

If you plan on being anti-establishment, it's a good idea to

establish what the establishment is.

26 Aug 2012

If you don't hate what they hate, they will hate you.

28 Aug 2012

A homeless single mom told me that she received no nutrition in 4

days, so I A) blamed Bush B) pointed her to federal food stamps C)

bit her

28 Aug 2012

We have several Miss Ohios. We have a state bird and a state fossil.

Why don't we have a state sniper?

28 Aug 2012

If you get a race card, what do you need to make 21?

28 Aug 2012

Man Killed While Trying to Create Bigfoot Sighting--Drudge Report.

28 Aug 2012

I wonder why I haven't heard much xylophone music lately.

28 Aug 2012

If Obama wins, people sneaking into the country won't need to worry

but people trying to sneak out will.

29 Aug 2012

Susan thinks the hawks enjoy their soaring, but they’ll quit it in

preference for a rotting corpse.

29 Aug 2012

The traits that you look for in a linebacker are not necessarily the

ones you want in a babysitter.

29 Aug 2012

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and

the EPA will fine him $3000 a day.

1 Sep 2012

To sound intellectual yoke two almost meaninglessly abstract words

in one sentence: "Truth is on the side of the oppressed."

1 Sep 2012

Caution: What seems wise to the ignorant may seem ignorant to the wise.

2 Sep 2012

Unfortunately, I can't make a career out of my race so I'm shopping

for sexual preference.

3 Sep 2012

Fact checkers quickly become dispensers of propaganda. Soviet

citizens knew they were being lied to but still never knew what was


4 Sep 2012

Biden's gaffe prone. Clinton's a lovable rogue. Obama's likable but

not engaged. Romney isn't popular. Get it? You can skip DNC coverage now

5 Sep 2012

New York Times Fact Check: Someone is unclear on the concept. We

have fact checkers because we don't believe the Times and other MSM.

5 Sep 2012

Brit Hume referred to the Michelle and Ann Romney speeches as the

"Destitution Derby."

5 Sep 2012

Demand free contraception and they call you a hero. Demand free porn

and they call you a pervert. Justice???

6 Sep 2012

From the polls I've seen no more the 30% to 40% of the population

believe that Obama is responsible for the state of the economy.

7 Sep 2012

1st time unemployment claims = more than 1,400,000 in August. That

number dwarfs all other numbers: 90k new jobs, 368k drop outs. How? Why?

7 Sep 2012

Obama does not need to get the unemployment rate down. He just needs to

get the infant mortality rate up.

8 Sep 2012

If you were rich you'd buy your wife expensive gifts. Start now by

keeping yourself from bitching resentfully at her shopping.

8 Sep 2012

If you were rich you'd so generous to people. Start now by not

making them criminals for buying the things they actually want.

8 Sep 2012

I just saw 40 or so railroad cars loaded with gravel. I have no idea

what I would do with all that gravel but I'm still a little envious.

9 Sep 2012

I have nothing against fish tacos except the fish part. I have the

same feeling about barbecued chicken pizza.

9 Sep 2012

Rampaging Ventriloquists Spread Terror.

10 Sep 2012

As Marcel Proust said, It ain't art if the artist ain't dead.

10 Sep 2012

As I listened to Bob Dylan's "Everyone must get stoned," I thought

"This man is a moron."

10 Sep 2012

I've heard pundits say that people want hear the details of the

candidates plans. Why don't they license pundits to prevent


11 Sep 2012

"They drove the economy into a ditch." Once you accept the economy =

car metaphor, you accept central planning.

11 Sep 2012

In 9/11 coverage I heard people chanting U-S-A. Jingoistic, true but

better than O-Ba-Ma.

12 Sep 2012

The federal government has the duty to tell you what is and isn’t

poison. Don’t complain about a “Nanny State” without condemning the FDA.

12 Sep 2012

Libyan ambassador: Ernest, hard-working, loved by all, a real

patriot: dead at 52. Me: still alive. Well, that's socialism for you.

13 Sep 2012

"Heil Hitler," as delivered by Sgt. Schultz. "Death to America."

"Thank you for your service." "I'm sorry for your loss." etc., etc.

14 Sep 2012

If you rely on Main Stream Media, you probably don't believe there

is an epidemic of Royal nudity.

15 Sep 2012

I was going to face my demons today but today my demons declined and

refused to face me.

15 Sep 2012

Want to cause a carnage and destruction? Just tweet "Mohammed was a

dork," and the Middle East will self-destruct.

15 Sep 2012

Isaiah 37:3: And he said unto me, Son of man, can these bones live?

And I answered, O Lord GOD, thou knowest.

15 Sep 2012

If Prince Harry can manage to get himself killed, he will become the

most beloved royal in a century.

16 Sep 2012

All religions and political philosophies agree on one thing and one

thing only: You and I are the problem; until we change, all is hopeless.

17 Sep 2012

Iran threatens to bomb Israel if Israel stops it from completing its

A-bomb. Is there something wrong with that logic???

17 Sep 2012

Nothing bad that happened under Obama is his fault. Hard to

understand when you can’t take credit for anything good that

happened to you.

19 Sep 2012

President Obama says, "There is no "I" in mea culpa but there sure

is a 'U.'"

 20 Sep 2012

The problem is that government can only redistribute what actually

exists. It needs to redistribute what would have existed to succeed.

20 Sep 2012

When the waitress gave me back my credit card she asked for my

social security number. Yeah, I've still got it.

20 Sep 2012

MSM: "Republicans keep insisting that a place called Libya exists

and something bad happened there. You be the judge."

20 Sep 2012

Pollster: "Are you going to voter for Romney or the historic Negro?"

21 Sep 2012

You say you believe in freedom but you don't want people selling

heroin to middle schoolers. Make up your mind.

21 Sep 2012

Bad government leads to more government. Unfortunately, the same can

be said of good government.

21 Sep 2012

All government causes economic dislocations that must be "corrected"

by more government.

22 Sep 2012

Maybe it's me, but I don't think that if you are advertising as a

spinal surgeon you should use hand-painted signs.

23 Sep 2012

Come on, Romney, show us how you are going centrally plan the economy.

25 Sep 2012

Advice to young men: Avoid women who use Obama bumper stickers in

any way related to sex.

27 Sep 2012

In preparation for an Obama win, Susan is sewing name tags in my

clothes so they won't get mixed up at reeducation camp.

27 Sep 2012

In preparation for an Obama win, I would like to say, "You're right.

Now I see. I apologize for my insensitivity."

27 Sep 2012

From now until the election, please address all questions to my


28 Sep 2012

I have an artistic vision: an Obama doll upside down in a jar of

urine. Do you think I can get federal funding?

28 Sep 2012

Why is my freedom of expression being stifled?

29 Sep 2012

Punxsutawney Phil is appearing in the local parade but I am getting

really tired of celebrity rodents.

30 Sep 2012

Yes! I do think Ancient Alien deniers are morally equivalent to

holocaust deniers.

30 Sep 2012

If there is anything you enjoy, anything at all, it will be declared

an addiction and a danger by the press. Legislation will be demanded.

30 Sep 2012

Susan Rice for Secretary of State? She seems to have the most

important qualification.

2 Oct 2012

'You regret the things that you didn't do more than the things you

did."--Inmate 8093572 Oct 2012

“I’m the first to admit that mistakes were made.”--Inmate 809357

2 Oct 2012

“You know those 2-way mirrors in interrogation rooms? It’s a good

idea to treat all mirrors as though they were 2-way.”--Inmate 809357

2 Oct 2012

“I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm

free.”--Inmate 809357

2 Oct 2012

If we follow Obama's Bush logic, Clinton was responsible for

everything that happened from 2000 to 2008.

5 Oct 2012

The government wasted a lot of money taking that unemployment

survey: I could have told them it would be 7.7% to 7.9%. In fact, I did.

5 Oct 2012

DNC: Get your "Men and Women of the Administration Calendar"! Hint:

If you like "security," check out August. Tax deductible.

8 Oct 2012

Remember that for everything you hear a pundit say, there are three

other pundits with three different positions who will call him an idiot.

8 Oct 2012

I don't think "austerity" means the working Greeks or Germans keep

their own money, just that it goes to interest rather than layabouts.

9 Oct 2012

Jerry Sandusky is convicted of molesting 10(?) boys. It must drive

him crazy if he only molested 8.

9 Oct 2012

If Obama wins, the next day I'm going to sign up for Social Security

and get an Obama phone.

10 Oct 2012

For decades citizens have asked for an "energy program." They have

one now. See Aesop and the Frogs Who Wanted a King.

10 Oct 2012

Ezek:37:9: Then said he unto me, Prophesy unto the wind.

11 Oct 2012

I don't understand debates. If a Muslim debates a Hindu on religion,

how do you determine who wins???

12 Oct 2012

Susan's "shit list" has gotten so long that I encouraged her to just

list those not on it; but she says that she has no trouble remembering.

13 Oct 2012

Undecided Voters: Are they brain dead or are they sages so far above

us that we don't understand?

13 Oct 2012

In my whole life I have never appreciated any of my many blessing

and I don't plan to start now.

14 Oct 2012

I want to vote for Obama by mail. Do I have to pay for the stamps?

Isn't there an Obama stamp or something?

14 Oct 2012

I'm guessing that not every NFL player wearing pink is absolutely


15 Oct 2012

Can I use my Obama phone to vote?

16 Oct 2012

Remember Janet Reno and Waco: Yeah, a__hole, I take full

responsibility; what are you going to do about it?

17 Oct 2012

Why does anyone want to be president of these people???

18 Oct 2012

You would think that after all the good things Newsweek has done for

the administration that Obama would come across with a bailout.

20 Oct 2012

If I were on a “no-fly” list, I don’t know whether I should be

ashamed of my political views or proud of my hygiene.

21 Oct 2012

I thought it was something I said to John Paul but Benedict XVI also

refused to name me as a saint.

22 Oct 2012

Many people think that skunks would be kind of cute without the

smell. I am not so easily persuaded.

23 Oct 2012

Obama plans to spend a lot of money on

education and clean energy so that we will be successful in the 21st


25 Oct 2012

Waiting to get my sexual stereo fixed so I can do some sexual


25 Oct 2012

The woman's vote: It's odd that the Democrats and al-Qaeda act as

though women were not people.

29 Oct 2012

Every time I hear an off of (say) $200 savings, I always think that I

wouldn't pay $200 for the product being marked down.

29 Oct 2012

So God created between men and women and sex. You wouldn't think you

could screw that up but human beings can f___ up a free lunch.

29 Oct 2012

It won't be long before we hear how free speech should be replaced

with "fair speech."

30 Oct 2012

When a disaster hits a third world country, we hear of 30,000 dead

and $57 worth of damage. In the US, it's 9 dead, 3 billion in damages.

30 Oct 2012

The only thing cuter than a precocious preteen is that anti-Romney

youngsters choir.

31 Oct 2012

I always enjoy people who find messages from God in natural

disasters. Can't God be clearer? Does God have a speech impediment?

31 Oct 2012

If people couldn't use the words "War Zone," there would be no

hurricane coverage.

1 Nov 2012

Tip for those in the public eye: Don't try to save money on your

prostitution budget.

1 Nov 2012

October unemployment numbers come out tomorrow; my prediction? 4.3%


1 Nov 2012

Dow Jones up 136 on expectation of totally unexpected wonderful

economic news.

2 Nov 2012

Obvious but worth saying: If there were no laws about price gouging

or other gas distribution, the hurricane victims could get fuel by now.

2 Nov 2012

If people could sell gas at $10 or $20 a gallon, people would be

driving in from Georgia and Kentucky to supply the stricken area.

2 Nov 2012

Isn't this the day we were supposed to hear that Romney is actually

a serial killer/cannibal? Monday?

3 Nov 2012

Anything you say about "people" that doesn't apply to you is

obviously wrong.

3 Nov 2012

When you think that you are being objective, you are only telling

yourself that you are smarter and better than everyone else.

4 Nov 2012

I bet that a lot of people on Staten Island wish they had 32 oz.

cokes now.

4 Nov 2012

What is the punishment for a pundit who is shown to be absolutely


5 Nov 2012

If you don't vote, you won't have the illusion of controlling the world.

6 Nov 2012

Stupid in my vanity, lazy and dishonest; if Obama wins, I deserve no

better leader (it is just) and he deserves no better subject.

7 Nov 2012

Bad News: Obama was reelected. Good News: You won't be hearing any

bad news for another four years.

7 Nov 2012

Hurricane Sandy influenced the vote of 46% of the voters in exit

polls. Remember that number when you hear pundits tell you why Obama


7 Nov 2012

Four more years of Bush.

7 Nov 2012

When you create a nonexistent entity, such as "Latino voters," you

can say anything about it and no one can prove you wrong.

9 Nov 2012

Be careful: After QE4 and attendant inflation, we will all earning

more than $250,000/year if we can find work.

9 Nov 2012

This is not the time to be anti-establishment. It's dorky.

10 Nov 2012

Contrary to popular opinion: There is a difference between being at

the right place at the wrong time and the wrong place at the right time.

10 Nov 2012

In a catastrophe, call FEMA. It will provide you with information on

who you should blame politically.

10 Nov 2012

Four days since the election and I am still in denial. Does

Obamacare cover that?

10 Nov 2012

When Susan heard "That's Life," she asked what was so good about

Sinatra. I explained that everyone before him sounded like Eddie Cantor.

10 Nov 2012

Sort of like classical civilization.

10 Nov 2012

The chief humor is that every so often they pass a law making it

illegal for the government to be more than a certain amount in debt.

11 Nov 2012

When listening to a figure-skating competition on the radio, I saw

that many people care desperately about things I don't even know exist.

12 Nov 2012

The plan is to fake it another 4 years, elect a Republican, and then

have a revolution.

12 Nov 2012

My time horizon has shortened lately. In fact, I keep looking backward.

14 Nov 2012

People have extramarital affairs all the time. It takes special

talent to have an extraterrestrial affair.

14 Nov 2012

This morning Imus condemned "those people" who compared Holly

Patreaus's looks to Sitting Bull.

14 Nov 2012

As it turns out, I DO have Prince Albert in a can.

14 Nov 2012

Media assumptions: 1. Obama wants employment and the economy to

grow. 2. Increased revenue will be used to pay debt. 3. Obama is not


14 Nov 2012

I hear people talk about Obama's concern for his "legacy" as though

he wanted a good economy. How about a complete government takeover?

15 Nov 2012

We're all getting ready for a four-year-long feast of recrimination

and spite. Oh? So you voted for Obama.

15 Nov 2012

It turns out that by today's standards, I AM a saint. Apparently a

genius too.

16 Nov 2012

Once the solve the fiscal cliff thing they won't need to extend the

debt limit. Right?

17 Nov 2012

An issue is a situation addressed by government. "Debating the

issues" means arguing over what action the government should take.

17 Nov 2012

You realize, of course, that if there were no government, nothing

would get done except for things that people wanted to do or pay for.

17 Nov 2012

Nothing puts me in the Christmas mood like 7 different renditions of

"The Little Drummer Boy."

18 Nov 2012

Exit polls show that voters are very much in favor of increasing the

taxes of other people.

19 Nov 2012

The chief humor in the election is that Obama used Romney's (tax)

money to buy the votes that defeated him.

19 Nov 2012

Rap artists are probably saying "Justin Bieber??? That's not music."

19 Nov 2012

To me the phrase "talking points," always denotes something untrue.

19 Nov 2012

How much are you costing the government? Add all you tax payments

and subtract that amount from your gross income.

20 Nov 2012

Can money buy me love? I need to know by 3:45 PM Wednesday.

21 Nov 2012

50%+ voters think Bush is responsible for the economy. 62% were

influenced by Sandra.

21 Nov 2012

90% of Obama voters believe the middle class pays a higher tax RATE

than the rich. This is a real achievement and took great effort.

21 Nov 2012

So, we get the government we deserve? Actually, 49% of the people

also get the government that 51% deserve.

22 Nov 2012

Nothing but Xmas music on radio. No Sex Pistols til 12/26 and you

want me to be thankful???

Retweet of Ken Jennings:

I asked my wife if she wanted to try the Lady and the Tramp

spaghetti kiss thing and she was game but the dog wouldn't sit still.

23 Nov 2012

People did not vote for Obama because they believed this is Bush's

economy. They wanted to vote for Obama so they had to believe.

23 Nov 2012

In most states marriages conducted by a snowman are not valid.

Please check your county clerk's office.

23 Nov 2012

Isn't it about time that Hillary Clinton received the Nobel Peace Prize?

24 Nov 2012

Creating a perfect government is easy; any sophomore can do it. The

problem is finding citizens worthy of it.

24 Nov 2012

A lot of people have a strong feeling that the Browns will beat the

Steelers tomorrow. Of course, many had the same feeling about Romney.

25 Nov 2012

I believe in world where any child who works hard and acts right can

grow up and buy incandescent light bulbs. OK, I'm a dreamer.

25 Nov 2012

I'm hiring a camera to follow me around reality show style. I figure

that I'll be treated a lot better.

26 Nov 2012

If the government increases revenue, would it 1. pay down debt? 2.

Increase entitlement spending? 3. Create secret police? 4. Other?

26 Nov 2012

Remember when they asked the Republican candidates if they would

raise taxes $1 for every $10 in spending cuts?

26 Nov 2012

If we had "statesmen" in DC, we'd already have increased taxes on

the wealthy and 4.3% reduction in the yearly deficit.

26 Nov 2012

The press is to Obama as the bankers were to Trump: If they ask

questions and get honest answers, their own stupidity will be revealed.

27 Nov 2012

Well, officer, the first thing I remember is being 2 or 3 ft tall

and this woman and eating cheerios. I don't remember anything before


27 Nov 2012

Well, officer, the kid was about 2 ft. tall with curly blonde hair

and a bow and arrow and now the victim can't seem to leave me alone.

27 Nov 2012

1. Go to garage and find bucket. 2. Patch hole in bucket. 3. Fill

bucket with soapy water. 4. Mop kitchen floor.

28 Nov 2012

I have to contact the Social Security to get benefits but I don't

get an Obama phone until I do. It's like The F_ing Gift of the Magi.

28 Nov 2012

Wouldn't it be cheaper and more popular to provide Sandra Fluke with

funds for sterilization?

28 Nov 2012

If the House Republicans are going to vote Obama the money he wants,

I wish they'd change parties or, better yet, go home.

28 Nov 2012

Susan says that it was counterproductive for gun control advocates

to vote for Obama.

29 Nov 2012

Susan says, "Fox always errs on the side of blondeness."

29 Nov 2012

Remember when the Bush tax cuts were only for the rich? What a

difference an election makes.

30 Nov 2012

I'm getting really annoyed at people who apologize for their stupid

remarks. Have the courage to be a moron.

1 Dec 2012

Try not to use reductio ad absurdum arguments against government

expansion: they just give people new ideas.

3 Dec 2012

Let's get to the heart of the matter: We need gun control for Negros.

4 Dec 2012

A few months ago the "fiscal cliff" was the solution.

4 Dec 2012

Got a problem? Any problem? Call 1-800-USA-GVNT.

5 Dec 2012

I've narrowed it down to a) "Hey, Jude" and b) "Light My Fire" (long

version); I admit that I'm not conversant with the last 20 years.

6 Dec 2012

When a cat runs out a door, it has no idea when that door may be

open again.

6 Dec 2012

Hey, God (or gods), if there's anything to this Mayan thing, you

know that I've always been a big believer.

6 Dec 2012

It is said the truth lies between the extremes. The truth almost

always lies outside the extremes.

6 Dec 2012

Conservatives want to use debt extension as a bargaining tool. If

they were serious they would refuse debt extension outright.

8 Dec 2012

I'm not very good at learned helplessness.

8 Dec 2012

I don't know what you call the guy who puts his hand on the perp's

head so he won't hit it getting into the car but I want that job.

8 Dec 2012

They have a guy who puts his hand on the perp's head so he won't hit

it getting into the car and then they execute the SOB.

8 Dec 2012

Remember when Jerry Sandusky was arrested and someone put a hand on

his head so he wouldn't hit it on the car.

9 Dec 2012

No can do, Mr. Burl Ives, you'll have to kiss her yourself.

9 Dec 2012

I was going to change my mind but I didn't think the alternatives

were better; at least that's what my mind told me.

10 Dec 2012

The Yoga's wife asked, "Do I look fat in this incarnation?"

10 Dec 2012

Baby boomers think they invented sex and now think they invented old

age. "Good luck, Grandpa, break a hip."

10 Dec 2012

Gays think they're historical. If a gay guy gets off at the right

bus stop, he thinks, "I must be the first openly gay Christopher


10 Dec 2012

The psychiatrist calls it "obtrusive thoughts," but I call it wit.

The judge calls it "stalking" but I call it love.

10 Dec 2012

They are always more fish in the sea. The trick is figuring out how

to have sex with a fish.

10 Dec 2012

In the interest of full disclosure, my personal sexual orientation

is east by northeast.

11 Dec 2012

From Drudge: "Woman commits suicide by inhaling helium." I'd like to

hear her last words.

12 Dec 2012

The mall shooter wore camouflage. What exactly is camouflage at a

mall? What does it look like?

12 Dec 2012

Susan can't tell the difference between Kim Yung Un and Psy. Silly girl.

15 Dec 2012

There has to be a way that this massacre thing can work for me. How

dare you disagree with me???

15 Dec 2012

Sorry, guys, you can't destroy the 2nd amendment until you've

finished the 1st.

16 Dec 2012

Forbidden thought 1: Sandy Hook was a spectacular failure of our

many trillion$ government system to perform its main function:

protect life.

16 Dec 2012

Forbidden thought 2: To pro-lifers every day is like Sandy Hook only

times 1000 and people think they're stupid.

16 Dec 2012

Forbidden thought 3: Everyone who is getting publicly emotional

about some aspect of the massacre is either simple minded or a con man.

17 Dec 2012

I know this is the Christmas season because I saw a commercial for

a CO2 powered cork puller that was eco-friendly.

17 Dec 2012

What exactly is an "assault weapon"? Do they have "massage weapons"?

17 Dec 2012

The Declaration of Independence states that governments derive their

"just powers from the consent of the governed."

18 Dec 2012

Pray for the people TV tells you to pray for; those are the prayers

that God hears.

18 Dec 2012

If you agree, good. If you disagree, shut and be abashed.

18 Dec 2012

"After Colossal Government Failure, Calls for Greater Government

Power Increase" How long before the state invents atrocities?

18 Dec 2012

Sandy Hook has affected Susan greatly. She has a list exceeding 26

people that could have taken precedence over those kids.

19 Dec 2012

Is it wrong for Reason to whisper when Emotion is raving?

19 Dec 2012

St Augustine: "Love God and do what you will." I say "do what you

will." The world will sort it out for you.

19 Dec 2012

What's cooler than an American Communist?

19 Dec 2012

Conservatives should start calling themselves what they are,

"Radicals." They are arguing for the only truly different gvnt in

the world.

19 Dec 2012

Elections for the US Congress have no consequences.

19 Dec 2012

I'm going to worry about that Mayan thing Saturday.

20 Dec 2012

Now they are doing hilarious outtakes of animated movies.

20 Dec 2012

I keep confusing Jimmy Savile with David Seville and it's ruining my


20 Dec 2012

The "fiscal cliff" is a catastrophe because it means that the

population would have to pay for the spending the government has done.

20 Dec 2012

I solved my debt problem by getting another credit card.

20 Dec 2012

Talk show caller, "The Republicans are in a position of complete

freedom." Whatever bad happens, they will be blamed.

20 Dec 2012

Let's throw in violent video games and movies and kill two

amendments with one stone.

21 Dec 2012

Everything is fine here except the paper boy hasn't delivered the

Mayan Daily Times yet.

21 Dec 2012

No Maya fruit cake this year. They ran out of dates.

22 Dec 2012

People think that actually paying for what government is spending is

a disaster. They also believe cutting gvt spending is a disaster.

23 Dec 2012

What would we do if politicians, pundits, and Hollywood people didn't tell

us how to live and what to do?

23 Dec 2012

My favorite is having a starlet lecture me on marriage and parenthood.

23 Dec 2012

If you are going to leave me, at least have the decency to wear

hard-soled shoes that make a dramatic noise when you go.

24 Dec 2012

I'm working on a new violent video game: "Soft Targets." It seems

easy but watch out for the lady in the wheelchair.

26 Dec 2012

Big storm here. We are deciding whether to eat leftovers or resort

to cannibalism.

28 Dec 2012

Wacky movie but ultimately heartwarming.

29 Dec 2012

Four or five celebrities die every year but 20 or 30 new ones

replace them. As the young people say, "It's not sustainable."

29 Dec 2012

"Royal Displays Baby Bump"--UK Daily Yob and Pensioner

29 Dec 2012

You're never too old for education, especially with a gvnt grant.

I'm going for a BS in Ancient Aliens Studies.

30 Dec 2012

Victimhood: Endless opportunities: Great benefits.

31 Dec 2012

I forget why I drink.

31 Dec 2012

Remember not to text while you're drinking and driving.

31 Dec 2012

I'm leaving 2012 the way I found it.

1 Jan 2013

I'm waiting until 2236 when all fashionable women will wear blenders

on their heads.

2 Jan 2013

I don't understand market investors: Do they think they heard good

news or do they just want to get their money out of dollars?

2 Jan 2013

Despite what various TV channels say, when it comes to math and

astronomy, the Mayans suck.

2 Jan 2013

I felt sorry for myself in a dream and it was really nice but when I

try to feel sorry for myself when I'm awake, it just seems silly.

3 Jan 2013

I thought I saw a UFO in my kitchen but the debunker claims it was

the shadow of my spatula.

4 Jan 2013

Half of all brain surgeons are inferior to the other half.

5 Jan 2013

I have advised Susan to break her list down to a least two tiers.

5 Jan 2013

You do know that your smoke detectors are spying on you, don't you?

5 Jan 2013

I have an idea for a reality show: Celebrity Vivisectionists.

5 Jan 2013

How can we have democratic socialism when almost half the population

are still somewhat informed?

8 Jan 2013

I heard a story on the radio this morning about a man combining his

love for beer with his love for his dog. I stopped listening.

8 Jan 2013

In general it is a bad idea to combine your love of one thing with

love of another, especially if one love is alcohol-related.

8 Jan 2013

You end up with ideas like, "I love Jesus so much I want to give him

oral sex."

9 Jan 2013

Never use a fully automatic firearm. They may spray 10

bullets/second but the bullets never hit anyone. That's what TV

tells us.

9 Jan 2013

Advice to the young: Don't mix nuptials with hot air balloons, sky

diving or bungee jumping, or explosives, or submersion. Maybe stay


10 Jan 2013

A nice thing about being white is that you don't have to be true to

your race. I've heard that some people even frown on it.

10 Jan 2013

I took the Jeopardy online test Tuesday and the only way I'm going

to Hollywood is by trading sexual favors for bit parts. Jane Eyre???

10 Jan 2013

There is nothing more egotistical than wanting "meaning" in your

life. Searching for meaning is a pilgrimage to Delusion.

10 Jan 2013

You don't expect God to have a meaning. I assume God doesn't expect

me to have one either,

10 Jan 2013

You want your life to have "meaning"? A six-year-old wants a pony

and would be happy with it for 12 minutes. Then what?

10 Jan 2013

We seem to have a lot of news going on and none of it is related to

the predicted $20 trillion debt.

12 Jan 2013

Has anyone noticed that the Baltimore Ravens logo is rather insensitive?

12 Jan 2013

As the old folks used to ask, "If you get the milk for free, why

would you want a cow to move into your bedroom?"


Miss Iowa's answer on marijuana: "I do not think it should be used

for anything but recreational use and health care."

13 Jan 2013

Constitution??!! We don't need no stinking Constitution.

14 Jan 2013

Who are you going to believe: Ben Bernanke or the magical eight ball?

16 Jan 2013

Yes, I enjoyed "Person of Interest." Why do you think I'd like

"Low-Interest Bonds"?

17 Jan 2013

The Democrats know that it is very important to put in strict gun

control before Obamacare kicks in fully.

18 Jan 2013

After the liberals get everyone on gvnt assistance, the

conservatives will demand that they be controlled. Mission accomplished.

18 Jan 2013

I plan to play "Sukiyaki" on the CD and then drink beer and eat tacos.

19 Jan 2013

I bought a case of beer, a dozen condoms, and a box of cigars. The

girl said, "Have a nice day," but I was aiming for a whole week.

19 Jan 2013

From bitter experience I have learned that cats care only about


19 Jan 2013

I bought a case of beer, a dozen condoms, and a box of cigars. The

girl said, "Have a nice day." I wish I were her boyfriend.

22 Jan 2013

The talking heads are endlessly tell us how proud they are of

America's nonviolent transfer of violent governmental power.

23 Jan 2013

I hate people who apologize, backtrack, or clarify what they said,

even if I hate what they said.

23 Jan 2013

Headline: "Avon Lake Residents Complain about Medical Chopper Noise."

23 Jan 2013

I just started watching a movie Susan ordered through Netflix. It

has subtitles. I think it's called Brokeback Troika.

25 Jan 2013

I cut my hair to 1/4 inch. To shave my head is tempting but it would

be a "statement."

25 Jan 2013

The big look now is not shaving today or yesterday but shaving the

day before. Very popular among celebs and street people.

25 Jan 2013

A tax receiver's vote counts as much as a taxpayer's. Sometimes more.

25 Jan 2013

". . . governments are instituted among men, deriving their just

powers from the consent of the governed"

25 Jan 2013

In other words, government are only just in possessing weapons that

their people are. Otherwise, people derive their powers from the state.

26 Jan 2013

The debt from WWII was greater than Obama's first term debt. Stop


28 Jan 2013

If you are a writer for a successful TV series and are thinking of

introducing a child or a serial killer, please consider quitting.

29 Jan 2013

Everything you say or do affects other people; therefore, the

government has the right to control everything you say or do. QED

30 Jan 2013

If people are concerned about preventing mass murder, they should

outlaw government, not guns.

30 Jan 2013

Susan says that the good thing about having Kerry as Secretary of

State is that we're sure he's fluent in French.

30 Jan 2013

If they don't pass gun control now, people might hear the other

side. If the don't pass immigration reform now, the immigrants might


31 Jan 2013

I'm tired of seeing "amateur videos" of tornados. Please, someone,

drop a professional videographer into a funnel cloud.

31 Jan 2013

I believe they prefer to be called "apprentice sex workers."

31 Jan 2013

Menendez puts the work is sex workers.

2 Feb 2013

Government policy is based on facts. That's why the people who

create and maintain facts are so important in a democracy.

3 Feb 2013

Want to break into TV? Read the Affordable Health Care Act

(Obamacare). No one else on TV has.

3 Feb 2013

If everyone believed in religion there wouldn't be any problems.

That's why there was no crime before the Enlightenment.

4 Feb 2013

An extremely dangerous thought: Well, we have to do SOMETHING!

6 Feb 2013

Do you think the TV commercials you see are stupid? You are putting

yourself in their demographic by watching the shows they are on.

7 Feb 2013

"Live by the sword = Die by the sword" sounds right because people

want to believe that their is some sort of order or justice in reality.

7 Feb 2013

Women in combat; Gays in the Boy Scouts; but no mirror in my bathroom.

7 Feb 2013

Anwar al-Awlaki is sort of like Nixon: I still don't know what he

was supposed to have done other than being a pain in the ass.

7 Feb 2013

I would certainly vote to confirm Brennan as head of the CIA in any

action movie out of Hollywood.

7 Feb 2013

Administration economists have discovered a very important economic

law: Never make a claim that can be tested in reality.

7 Feb 2013

Think with your heart, not your head.--Inmate 321189

8 Feb 2013

Old joke: What's that? Tiger repellent. There isn't a tiger within

3000 miles of here. It really works.

8 Feb 2013

A seer says that the son will kill the king and marry the queen so

they expose him to die. He survives and lives to kill and marry. That's irony.

8 Feb 2013

Global warning debunkers love blizzards even though global warming

belivers claim they prove climate change. Fun for everyone.

8 Feb 2013

Sign on Hillary's pants suit: "Best before August 1968."

12 Feb 2013

The state can't provide everyone with Bill Gates' medical care but

it can reduce Gates level of care to everyone else's. Close enough?

12 Feb 2013

You will probably go farther in this world if you think more about

your descendents that you do about your ancestors.

13 Feb 2013

Warning sign 4: You feel a need to write a manifesto.

14 Feb 2013

2009-10: Republicans vote against Obamacare and stimulus: They can

always be counted on to vote the right way when it doesn't matter.

15 Feb 2013

The nation that just reelected Obama demands to know why Rihanna

went back with Chris Brown.

15 Feb 2013

Employers can't hire a person who doesn't produce more than he's

paid. Producing more than pay is the Left's definition of exploitation.

15 Feb 2013

Price is a factor in your purchases. What is common sense in you,

you declare unconscionable greed in anyone wealthier.

15 Feb 2013

Libertarians want the common sense notion of private property

applied to all property. They want equality before the law.

15 Feb 2013

Equality before the law never existed nor will it ever. The purpose

of law is for some to rule others. Commonsense law takes care of itself.

15 Feb 2013

I'm getting to an age where I can't think of anything new and stupid

to do.

16 Feb 2013

Never ask "Whither?" In fact, never use the word "whither" unless

you want to look like a pompous moron.

18 Feb 2013

As plane crashes, man calls wife and family to beg forgiveness.

Wrong number. Lady on phone says nothing, hears crash and goes on

from there

18 Feb 2013

Man sees unknown number on list of friends in cell phone. Calls

number. Called person says he has unfinished business with man.

18 Feb 2013

All of a sudden, this morning I found telephones to be uncanny.

18 Feb 2013

I can honestly say that no one ever pretended to love me for my money.

20 Feb 2013

If Obama voters believed that the US has a huge debt problem, it

would make them uneasy; therefore they believe Obama on the subject.

22 Feb 2013

In the history books, this whole century will have an

asterisk before it.

22 Feb 2013

If she was such a "model girlfriend," why did Pistorius shot her

four times?

23 Feb 2013

In order for society to function, a certain amount of intolerance is

required; otherwise, people will be ruled by force and fear.

23 Feb 2013

It was pretty easy to defeat Iraq until they lost their central

government. Afghanistan is a bigger problem: No central government

at all.

24 Feb 2013

What percentage of the population believes that sequestration will

reduce federal spending? Probably 95% or more.

24 Feb 2013

Obama could not have taken office at a luckier time. All he had to

do was NOTHING and he would have looked like an economic genius.

26 Feb 2013

If a certain diet worked, the overweight would use it. If there were

government that did what it claimed to do, everyone would demand it.

26 Feb 2013

The only way to avoid a tyrranical government is to eschew

government. See history.

26 Feb 2013

Some of the most devasting attacks against the state have been

created by people who firmly believe that government is inevitable.

26 Feb 2013

Does the president understand that if he causes enough misery, the

people will grant him extraordinary powers to fix the problem?

26 Feb 2013

Susan says, "I wish I were so rich that I gave a shit about the


27 Feb 2013

I find myself envying the dentition of dead people, particularly the


28 Feb 2013

Anyone who quotes "The Art of War" ought to be shot; and someone

should have used a drone on Sun Tzu.

28 Feb 2013

If I were rich, I don't know if I would worry about "the planet" or

just go directly into germophobia, hermithood, and paranoia.

2 Mar 2013

The movies kept giving us Black presidents until the voters followed suit.

Maybe, Hollywood could give us a string of competent presidents now.

2 Mar 2013

I can't think of one threat made in regard to the sequester that I

don't take as a blessing.

2 Mar 2013

@ beggars are in the poorest thing superfluous."--King Lear

 3 Mar 2013

Susan doesn't like clowns but she despises Leprechauns. We have to

hide all the shillelaghs this month to keep her from destroying the TV.

3 Mar 2013

It is a bad sign if your girl friend associates Miranda with the

felon rather than "The Tempest."

4 Mar 2013

Those that you daydream about being also daydream themselves but not

about being you.

6 Mar 2013


6 Mar 2013

I'm not against assisted living if alcohol is doing the assisting.

7 Mar 2013

I reluctantly conclude that cans are getting better or can openers

are getting worse.

8 Mar 2013

The problem with so many celebrities claiming their "Willy Nelson

privileges" is that "It's just Willy. He means well," doesn't always


12 Mar 2013

Susan never attends anything she's invited to. She feels it probably

involves a contribution.

13 Mar 2013

Mainstream Republicans have become so weak and useless that they are

asking for protection under Civil Rights Section 504.

13 Mar 2013

Obama never accepts blame for anything that happens but, to be fair,

he only claims credit for things that never happened.

14 Mar 2013

If I were in advertizing, I wouldn't use "eco-boost" as a selling

point for a pickup truck.

15 Mar 2013

Phrenology, like socialism, seemed like a really great idea in the


15 Mar 2013

Conundrum: The perfect is the enemy of the good; or the lesser of

two evils is still evil.

18 Mar 2013

First things first, flying cars, then green energy, then robot maids.

18 Mar 2013

Dinner: grilled goose. Breakfast tomorrow: golden eggs.

20 Mar 2013

Hey, Pope Francis, don't get started with me about poor people.

23 Mar 2013

Obama tries to make the sequester hurt but he's having a hard time

finding things that the federal gvnt does that people actually want


24 Mar 2013

It's frightening to think that Obamacare was instituted for the

purpose of failing and being replaced by a single-payer system.

24 Mar 2013

It is more frightening to think that anyone was stupid enough to

think that Obamacare would improve the country's medical system.

24 Mar 2013

OK, it's 2013. Whatever happened to that Robinson family that went

into space in 1997 to pioneer a new world and solve Earth’s


24 Mar 2013

"Contagion" is back in news. Is bad policy transmitted

person-to-person, sexually, or is it aerosolized?

26 Mar 2013

Rule for rulers: Never be clear, e.g., don't confiscate; just inflate.

26 Mar 2013

Most people don't understand what's good for them. That's why they

need the state to regulate their activities.

26 Mar 2013

I have a lot of really good ideas about what people should do and

how they should spend their money but no one listens. Next step?

26 Mar 2013

You don't think Bloomberg is for real, do you? He is just showing

everyone how stupid New Yorkers are, the satirical scamp.

26 Mar 2013

Does the equal protection clause apply to homosexuals? Does it apply

to people making more than $250,000/year?

27 Mar 2013

Susan asks, "Does the Defense of Marriage Act prescribe who takes

out the trash"?

27 Mar 2013

The only reason I can think of to oppose governmental recognition of

gay marriage is to annoy the people who think that it's a civil right.

28 Mar 2013

"Be sure to ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for

sex." Sure, but what if he says "yes."

28 Mar 2013

No one mentions that gay marriage is not currently illegal. Those

asking for legalization are asking for governmental recognition.

29 Mar 2013

I would be more comfortable with gay marriage if we didn't have a

government that bans what was compulsory and vice versa.

Mar 29

Susan asks, "Does the sequester mean that Obama will be pardoning

the Easter bunny and the egg?"

Mar 29

Yes, lady, I know that's a diamond stud in your nose, but from here

it looks like a pimple.

Mar 29

If you don't think the youth of America are rebellious, just ask the

Federal Department of Antiestablishmentism.

Mar 30

I admit it: If the federal government didn't provide funds for the

study of snail sex, no one else would.

Mar 30

If you call a person in a sexual relationship with more than 2

people "polyamorous," what do you call a person who's really into


Mar 31

Existential query: What happens if Easter Sunday falls on April

Fool's day? I try not to think about it.

Apr 2

I know it's not a popular opinion these days but I prefer "Son of

the Sheik" to "The Sheik."

Apr 2

Frito Bandito Slain by Mexican Drug Lords

Apr 2

This would be a beautiful world if foreigners stuck to the

stereotypes of my youth rather than creating their own new stereotypes.

Apr 3

Sociopaths don't distinguish the levels of badness: using the wrong

spoon and murder. If they test you, remember that murder is worse.

Apr 3

If I were a lawyer, I'd form the Christian Defense League and sue

everyone I could find.

Apr 4

Some say that only white people can be racist. Isn't that a racist

statement? I'm sure other races are just as capable.

Apr 4

When a kid puts a round wooden peg in a round hole, they all think

it's great but not when he manages to get a knife in a light socket.

Apr 4

The way the left goes on about race, you'd think they had invented


Apr 5

Shows about vampires and zombies are so popular that you'd think our

blood was being sucked daily and we are living among the brain dead.

Apr 5

I've heard people say "You can't kill an idea" with great approval.

They don't say that about radical islamism.

Apr 5

When the clerk says "Have a nice day," I can't help but wonder if

it's a sarcastic commentary on my purchase.

Apr 6

I ran out of other "House hunters." Now I'm watching "Househunters:

Witness Protection."

Apr 9

Despite what you may have heard in middle school, decapitation is

not a safe method for weight loss.

Apr 12

A dog lies dying in the road/Near the house where the freeway

ends./The old men gather round it close/but no one knows what to do.

Apr 13

Anti-government thought is racist because negroes, women, and

hispanics are incapable of providing for themselves.

Apr 13

Susan says that government may have role in park maintenance

(senatorial garbage collection) and historical reenactment.

Apr 15

I hereby politicize the explosion at the Boston Marathon. Am I first?

Apr 15

I had a psychic vision that may help the police: I saw a male, aged

18 to 35.

Apr 17

As long as you're in my house, you won't lump transgendered people

in with lesbians and gays.

Apr 17

Susan's prescription states "every waking hour." Is it a drug or a

country western song?

Apr 18

The chief humor about the ricin-letter writer is that anyone could

be dumb enough to think a politician would open a letter from a citizen.

Apr 18

Terror alert: Susan has just invented the Crock pot bomb.

Apr 19

Apparently, the brothers didn't give much thought to what they would

do after the bombs exploded. Note: If you plan to flee a car is useful.

Apr 19

As we learned from Timothy McVeigh, if you have a car, it's a good

idea to equip it with license plates.

Apr 19

If I put Jihadist propaganda on my facebook page, will I get a lot

of girls?

Apr 20

Danger signs: 1. People described him as a "nice, normal guy." 2. He

stopped smoking and drinking.

Apr 20

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev now goes into training for a Columbia professorship.

Apr 21

My argument is so obvious that I don't need to defend it or even

state it.

Apr 23

I can now report that the barn door is securely closed.

Apr 24

Other investment advice: Now is the time to scoop up all the

pressure cookers you can find.

Apr 24

Tip for entrepreneurs suggested by Tamerlan Tsarnaev: Terrotourism,

a growth area.

Apr 25

Governments frequently prohibit their citizens from selling the same

services that the governments provide for free.

Apr 25

Everyone is making a big deal of it but Tamerlan Tsarnaev got off

welfare in 2012. He got his life together.

Apr 26

People confuse civil war with anarchy. Wars of all kinds are simply

an excess of government.

Apr 26

One of the reasons we have government is to provide some very empty

people with the illusion that their lives have meaning.

Apr 26

Of course the government approves of abortion. Politicians see the

problem as "people." Too bad "people" don't understand that.

Apr 27

What's the emotican for sarcastic air "quotes"?

Apr 28

I am generally ashamed of my good points that are not imaginary.

Apr 28

As I explained to Susan, if you can't reason with a cat, you have to

use sarcasm on it.

Apr 28

Boston bombing: Where were Boris and Natasha? Where were moose and


Apr 28

Remember the 1960s when guys protested to get girls? What kind of

chicks did they get? Scary!

Apr 29

I don't consider a car to be broken in until I ruin the parking brake.

Apr 29

Who am I supposed to want to win in the Syrian civil war???

Apr 29

Is being gay now compulsory?

May 1

Who do I have to kill to be considered a mastermind?

May 2

Call me old-fashioned but I don't think Jodi Arias is any Amanda Knox.

May 3

Hey kid, try not to be so picky./And don't be so selective./In

America these days/It's cool to be collective.

May 3

The female DNA on the bomb fragment was not Tsarnaev's widow. Boy,

is she going to be pissed.

May 4

What if intelligent extraterrestrial aliens evolved from kangaroos?

What do we do then??? Uh???

May 4

Buzzards are very beautiful when they fly. Otherwise they are rather


May 4

Who are these Negroes that make remarks about gays? Don't they

realize they are yesterday's minority. Get with the program, guys.

May 6

I was getting a little worried about government until Obama

explained that I had been paying attention to the wrong people.

May 8

The average American is like a soviet citizen. He knows the

government and media are lying but he hears nothing else so he sort

of believes.

May 8

If roses were as common as dandelions, I'd bitch about them too.

May 9

If we used the government definition of "insurance," we could buy

life insurance after we died.

May 14

"A pressure cooker, in and of itself, is not an imminent danger to

any individual or the country." NSA agent

May 15

I'm starting a new foundation: The Move Forward Progressive

Foundation. Donations are tax exempt.

May 16

I plan to release 107 documents, none of which incriminates me. Case


May 16

If you put a politician under oath, does he lose the ability to lie?

May 17

The IRS affair is not a scandal; it is an advertisement. When

nothing happens, you will know enough to stop objecting.

May 17

Common wisdom: "It will all come out eventually." Really???

May 17

IRS problems: One more reason for a single payer system.

May 17

Some of these guys better start telling the truth or Eric Holder

will investigate them.

May 18

Contrary to pundit wisdom, the crime is almost always worse than the

cover up. That's why they cover up.

May 18

Why would you even want your ducks in a row?

May 20

If I were president, people would expect me to have a dog. If I had

a dog, it would expect me to feed it and take care of it. No thanks.

May 21

What you're supposed to say: "I just thank God that we are all safe

and well. Material stuff means nothing at a time like this."

May 21

What you're not suppose to say: "1. I'm hungry. 2. Can you give me

$20? 3. Gretchen Carlson must be the most annoying person on the


May 25

Yeah. Sure. Great idea. I'll meet you at the corner of 9th and Never.

May 25

What good is gay marriage if you don't add some miscegenation? It's

a sham, politically, hardly worth doing.

May 25

Anyone claiming to free you is simply leading you to a different


May 25

The evidence for profiling is very strong: The officer arrested only

guilty people.

May 25

The Republican Party and Lois Lerner need to go to the same place:


May 26

When people complain about expansion of governmental power they

always throw in the obligatory "What about some future, unnamed


May 27

A major goal of government is to have people reclassify common

actions as injustices.

May 27

There are people who think that being president of the United States

would be a wonderful accomplishment.

May 30

When I woke up I realized that I was subject to a state, local, and

federal government. I thought, "Did we lose a war or something?"

May 30

COPS: Drunk driver was having sex when he crashed SUV into another

car--Drudge Verification for Poppy's only 1 stupid thing at a time rule.

May 30

Susan suggested putting flag out on our front porch but I don't want

to get audited.

May 30

Achilles is no deader than Neville Chamberlain.

May 31

Similes without subjects: Like Barry White singing falsetto. Like

Justin Bieber at 53.

Jun 1

Limited government is a huge net where the fish think they swim

freely until the net is slowly tightened.

Jun 1

A big problem for government is that most people can read and write.

That's why they invented public education.

Jun 1

Everyone favors limited government. Everyone can think of something

he doesn't want government to do.

Jun 1

Physicists tell us that matter can neither be created not destroyed,

so where are my fingernail clippers?

Jun 2

Philosophers argue over what factors legitimize any particular


Jun 2

People tolerate government control over their lives and money

because they have the illusion that government controls other people.

Jun 4

Storm chaser should heed cousin Gwyneth's thinking: she won't go out

on icy days so that she doesn't "strain the resources of the community"

Jun 4

Why am I convinced that if you spell Turkish PM Erdogan’s name

backward, it will mean something?

Jun 4

Why are they protesting in Istanbul? That's nobody's business but

the Turks.

Jun 6

Is it culturally insensitive to treat a Muslim woman with respect?

Jun 7

I keep hearing security and privacy must be balanced. The less government knows about me the more secure I feel.

Jun 10

After the NSA revelations many terrorists have lost their

expectations of privacy.

Jun 10

I think the government can know what I'm saying on the phone. Don't you

think that terrorists are more suspicious than I am?

Jun 10

TSA says, "Without all of you would be dead."

Jun 10

TSA says, "Without us all of you would be dead."

Jun 10

All these people who want to execute Snowden should consider that he

could have been a Jihadist. The program makes the US less secure.

Jun 10

I keep hearing people use the word "we" when they mean "the government."

Jun 10

If the NSA program had looked only at Muslims there would have been a

huge outcry.

Jun 11

The way things are going, someonr is going to have to invent a synonym

for "-gate".

Jun 11

When these politicians talk about "our enemies," who are they

referring to?

Jun 11

The more I hear and read about the NSA programs, the less I am sure


Jun 11

I know that the NSA couldn't find out about Boston or Benghazi but

I'm pretty sure they picked up on Petraeus.

Jun 12

Snowden: Traitor or hero? That's what they are telling us is the story.

Jun 12

I still don't know what exactly the NSA was doing but I sure know

that Snowden is 29.

Jun 14

I am not now nor have I ever been in favor of a Zombie Apocalypse.

Jun 15

I am convinced that people say they like Obama in surveys only

because surveys say that people like him. Oh, and to avoid being racist.

Jun 15

It's insensitive to say "That's so gay." Instead, just say, "That's

so lame."

Jun 18

I may agree with you but I don't want to be a face in your mob.

Don't worry, I'm not in the right demographic anyway.

Jun 18

The NSA used that data to foil 50 plots. Was one of them the Tea

Party plot to replace the president?

Jun 18

I might just be getting older but I've decide to become gay so I can

become a member of a protected class.

Jun 18

The turtle was invented in the 1930s as silly fake animal in a

children's book.

 Jun 19

If you must be a small mammal, have floppy ears or a bushy tail or

something else cute or you will be mistaken for a rat.

Jun 19

It is futile to negotiate with people who don't drink.

Jun 19

It is fairly easy to be stoical if nothing bad ever happens to you.

Jun 20

Serena Williams thinks that just because she's black she's entitled

to say what she thinks.

Jun 20

Attacking a person for racism doesn't work very well if the person

is a racist.

Jun 20

I'm not proud. Where do I buy the Clapper?

Jun 22

Define "Lucky."

Jun 23

Susan thinks that the Catholic church is against tattooing but she

has a hard time keeping up with all the religions' proscriptions.

Jun 23

Snowden should have played by the rules and the rule is that you go

to jail when you say or do something the administration doesn't like.

Jun 24

If animals could speak, I wouldn't be interested in what they had to


Jun 30

Paula Deen voted for Obama and she can't compare to Alec Baldwin in

odiousness. Unfortunately for her, she fit the profile.

Jul 2

Susan tells me that she's never seen a victim that she couldn't find

a way to blame.

 Jul 3

Correspondents in London report on what's happening in Cairo because

they're so much closer to the action.

Jul 3

I heard some pro-choice lady orating about how politicians should

not be making decisions about women's health.

Jul 4

Apparently no one in Egypt has heard the cliche definition of insanity.

Jul 8

Wisdom and dignity start when you no longer have enough imagination

to find new ways to be a jerk.

Jul 10

Reverse psychology seldom works on a cat.

Jul 12

Government plans to grant citizenship to 11 million racist,

murdering latinos like Zimmerman.

Jul 13

Snowden, Zimmerman, and Tea Partiers: They all tried to make America

a better place. Government can not tolerate such interference.

Jul 13

Notice that the "conservative" news defines news as what the MSM

says is news.

Jul 14

I am so happy that some of the people I follow don't follow me.

There are some real idiots out there even if they are occasionally


Jul 16

A father in Soviet Poland told his children that the people they saw

on TV may be talented, clever, or interesting, but they were the enemy.

Jul 16

Even Fox is obsessed with the MSM's definition of news.

Jul 18

What would the negros do without liberals?

Jul 20

A guy gets a swastika tattoo and can't get a job. He blames

"society" or "the Jews."

Jul 20

Can anyone tell me a place in the US where they don't say, "If you

don't like the weather, wait a minute."?

Jul 20

There's this thing called the Constitution. I hear that a lot of

people believe in it. Quaint. Still, it makes them happy.

Jul 21

No empire that has fallen has ever been reconstructed.

Jul 21

Nowadays only people who are modest have a lot to be

modest about.

Jul 24

Truth? Truth!!?? You can't handle the truth.--MSNBC

Jul 30

New Yorkers are embarrassed by Wiener but not by Bloomberg.

Aug 1

At his sentencing, Ariel Castro argued with the judge over his

record as a school bus driver.

Aug 4

We live in a country of 300 million people. If you can't find a news

story to confirm your biases, you really shouldn't be a reporter.

Aug 4

There is a reason that heirloom tomatoes are heirloom.

Aug 6

I bet you that Maj. Nidal Hasan is kicking himself for not studying

computers and getting a job at the NSA.

Aug 10

Before Obama many African-Americans actually had jobs and worked.

And they call Lincoln "Great Emancipator."

Aug 10

Those who oppose war most loudly are ardent champions of using

governmental violence to control the economy.

Aug 12

I apologize for calling Obama a socialist but I don't know what they

prefer to be called now.

Aug 13

Do you think it's possible that alcohol was involved?

Aug 14

If you have to be racist to hate Obama, I'm willing to give it a try.

Aug 20

Crime idea: Have an accomplice write e-mails and watch porn from

your computer while you commit a crime. Electronic alibi.

Aug 20

Everyone with a theory thinks that people should change. Oh, and

they all hate you.

Aug 21

Progressives want to bring back the '30s and they already have the

unemployment covered. KKK next.

Aug 21

When people stop believing in a religion it disappears. It's the

same for civilizations, which explains much of history.

Aug 21

Pay it forward. Do some community service and get in the habit in

case it's part of your sentence.

Aug 21

Obama has failed in one important way: He has not provoked a violent

reaction. Unfortunately, he hasn't provoked any real reaction at all.

Aug 21

Leeches are a great improvement over lancets both in patient comfort

and control of treatment.

Aug 24

Look what you did to your government. Sorry America, you're not

grown-up enough to have a government. Some one take it away.

Aug 25

You can't deny it. There is a dramatic increase in the reporting of

youth crime.

Aug 28

One US official who has been briefed said the president would seek a

level of intensity (in Syria) "just muscular enough not to get mocked."

Sep 1

US is not the world's policeman because policemen are paid.

Sep 1

You say that your parents, ancestors, and everyone before you was an

evil predator or a stupid victim. You must be some sort of mutation.

Sep 1

There are dozen of nationalities that I don't know slurs for. How do

you racial insult an Albanian?

Sep 4

There is only one group of people in the world who are not openly

contemptuous of Obama: Republicans.

Sep 5

Does anyone wonder why Republicans are so despised? Obama is a moron

and he still makes them look pathetic.

Sep 6

As the labor participation rate drops to Carter levels, unemployment

drops to Bush levels.

Sep 6

Does anyone remember when they predicted a very active hurricane season?

Sep 7

The Pope is so annoying, he almost makes me root for Obama, "saying

Peace, peace; when there is no peace." Jer 6:14

Sep 9

What will we get from Obama: A plan and a reasoned argument for

attacking Syria or blame denial, self-pity, and pre-emptive


Sep 9

Obama Administration Admits That "Unbelievably Small Attack" May

Cause Some Property Damage

Sep 9

I warned Susan not to put the words "John Kerry" and "unbelievably

small" together into a search engine.

Sep 10

Thieves rarely steal exercise equipment.

Sep 10

Remember when Weiner was Obama's and the left's most enthusiastic

hit man? How they all loved him then!

Sep 11

Obama chooses "chemical weapons control." As with gun control, the

problem is defined as things rather than people.

Sep 11

Remember when talking about a $20 trillion debt was reductio ad


Sep 13

To be fair to Putin for his anti-American remarks, the only

Americans he has personally talked to were presidents.

Sep 13

My language has "to die young" as a common verb.

Sep 13

The people of my country have turned the noun "disrespect" into a

verb and used it so much they had to shorten it to "dis."

Sep 15

Taking a penny from all US citizens in not a human interest story.

Giving someone $3,000,000 is. Human interest stories are pro-socialist.

Sep 15

The problem with class warfare is that taking $3 million from

someone and giving everyone else a penny is not particularly appealing.

Sep 15

People who don't pay income tax think that their lives aren't

affected by the income tax.

Sep 17

Why would Obama need economists when he can make up his own statistics?

Sep 18

Obama's team predicted in 2009 that the unemployment rate would now

be at about 5.3% if the government did nothing.

Sep 18

Bernanke cited a .3% drop in labor participation rate vs. a .8% drop

in unemployment. It took me 1/2 hour to see the trick.

Sep 21

School: 20 to 40 children sitting at miniature desks and obeying an

"instructor." It sounds like something out of Dickens or kiddie porn.

Sep 21

There really is no limit to what you can do with other people's money.

Sep 22

Let Tebow start for Cleveland for a few weeks and we won't hear any

more nonsense about how he wants to be an NFL quarterback.

Sep 24

Susan says that a lot of people should get some new material.

Sep 27

If you followed every bit of medical and mental health advice that

you hear every day, what would your life be like?

Sep 27

Good things about Obamacare: Once we have Obamacare, we won't have

so many Canadians cross the border to suck off our health care system.

Sep 28

Insofar as I am motivated only by the desire for money, my decisions

are actually determined by the values of other people.

Sep 29

Do you think they want you to obey their laws? No. They want you to

break laws so that you walk around with a vague sense of guilt.

Sep 30

To Harry Reid Anarchy is the state of society in which legislators

and their staffers have to pay for their own insurance without


Sep 30

People say they want their legislators to cooperate. If people

cooperated themselves, they wouldn't need legislators.

Sep 30

People want their legislators to cooperate on who they should kill

or put into prison and for what reasons.

Sep 30

I refuse to go on Facebook until Photoshop gets a lot better.

Sep 30

Apparently government is the only institution that spends more money

when it is shut down than when it is operating.

Sep 30

The main stream media and establishment Republicans all hate Ted

Cruz. Any questions?

Sep 30

I was going to present my findings in "Elvis: The UFO connection,'"

but it might be too controversial.

Sep 30

Definition of "poetic justice": Obamacare.

Oct 2

The lowest form of humor is now taking a camera and mike to the

street and asking people things about history, gvnt, or anything else.

Oct 4

According to Obama's logic, US depends on borrowing money to pay

interest on US debt despite taking in trillions in taxes.

Oct 4

I hope this government shut down ends soon. I'm getting tired of

having to insult my own intelligence.

Oct 10

I couldn't find to retweet but some guy's tweet was "Beware of fake

Obamacare sites. You'll know their fake because they work.

Oct 11

"You took my arm but I will grow another one tomorrow. Can you grow

new lives?"--Giant crab in "Attack of the Giant Crab”

Oct 11

It's nice see all the agreement in the Washington establishment over

Senator Cruz.

Oct 12

Republicans are too dumb to fake their own polls.

Oct 12

The condescending pundits tell us that raising the debt by a

trillion dollars is the "grownup" thing to do.

Oct 15

Republican plan: Extend debt limit for a month or two. Next time

we'll mean it.

 Oct 15

All the smart people and all the "grownups" will celebrate when the

government borrows another trillion dollars.

Oct 15

Until I got my new flat screen, I had no idea how many actors were

covering up their pimples with makeup.

Oct 15

I'm getting tired of advertisers who want to sell me an identity and

then tell me that people like me buy their product.

Oct 15

Our president sees no irony in telling us that we live in a system

that will fall apart if it can't borrow a trillion dollars a year.

Oct 16

Every failure of government eventually increases its power.

Obamacare signup problem? IRS will solve it AND withhold premiums

from paycheck.

Oct 16

The establishment Republicans tell us that the main stream media

would have been full of Obamacare failure stories if not for Ted Cruz.

Oct 16

Susan is putting so many Republicans on her list that she is

crowding a number of Democrats off.

Oct 17

I'd like some extra gluten with that, please.

Oct 19

I prefer the 1950's Sci-Fi version of 2013 to the reality. I also

favor nostalgia that is well aged.

Oct 19

They tell us that if we don't subsidize medical insurance for

congressional staffer, there will be a "brain drain."

Oct 19

You just don't know who to trust anymore: the IMF or the Federation

of Planets?

Oct 22

You are not going to like the way the government makes it "easy" to

sign up for Obamacare.

Oct 24

If the Obamacare Website had worked well, a lot more people would

know how screwed they are by now.

Oct 26

Is it illogical for those demanding privacy rights to conduct a


Oct 29

Government can take a penny from everyone and create 3 millionaires.

Then keep repeating until everyone is a millionaire. It's just a penny.


Retweet from David Whitehouse: Surprise loved ones this Halloween by killing a horse.

 Oct 30

Pundits say, 1. Only a naive moron doesn't know that we spy on our

friends, or 2. Obama didn't know we were spying on our friends.

Oct 31

As Mick Jagger said, It's only a junk insurance policy, but I like it.

Oct 31

Can you imagine there was time when people could buy health

insurance that did not cover sex change operations? Barbaric.

Nov 1

I don't remember who said it (G. Gutfeld?): "I hate trick or

treating so much that I signed up as a child sex offender."

Nov 3

What you call greed in others, you call thrift in yourself: thrift or

common sense.

Nov 3

The voters don't care how much they are screwed as long as the

government provides the illusion that someone else is being screwed.

Nov 7

If I have no extra money, in what sense is a policy with a $6000

deductible health insurance?

Nov 7

People who make more than the average income qualify for a subsidy.

So do we screw that evil 45%?

Nov 7

Socialists tell us that we're all in the same boat. Most are rowing

in the galley, some are sipping wine on deck.

Nov 7

Hey, Obama, it hurts when I do this.

Nov 8

So, who's this single payer going to be? I hope it's not me.

Nov 9

I hear on TV that if 7 million healthy young people sign up for

Obamacare, a country of 300 million people will be insured.

Nov 9

If Obama wants to "spead the wealth around," why does he suggest

raising "income" taxes instead of proposing a "wealth" tax?

Nov 10

I don't know what I shoud be outraged about anymore. Maybe we need a

federal Department of Outrage Selection.

Nov 11

Note to self: Talking to yourself is crazy.

Nov 13

Congressional popularity at 9%: People hate gridlock; they want

Congress to "get things done." Like Obamacare?

Nov 14

Youth wants to know: How many unsubsidized, healthy people actually

committed to pay for an Obamacare policy?

Nov 15

I got on http://Obamcare.gov and it told

me to put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up.

Nov 17

No one asks the Kennedys: Do you know that if your granddad had

willed his money to a cat hospital, you couldn't get a job at Burger


Nov 20

Cairo Cafe Syndrome: Radical Islam is much more popular with the

Cairo cafe crowd than in places where it is practiced, like Iran.

Nov 20

The farther away a government is from being implemented the more

attractive people find it.

Nov 20

In 2007, 70% thought government should guarantee health care. It is

now around 40%.

Nov 23

True or False: If a unicycle is to unisexual as bicycle is to

bisexual is bisexual to unisexual as bicycle is to unicycle? Explain.

Nov 27

If my health insurance goes from a $1000 deductible to a $6000

deductible, do I actually still have health insurance?

Nov 27

The situation on earth is simple: Either only one religion is true

or no religion is true.

Nov 30

We saw five guys with a rope at a tree limb. I thought pulling an

engine block. Susan thought lynching.

Dec 1

You call it the "definition of insanity." I call it "consistency."

Dec 2

Obamacare won't work because it has to confiscate money from 54% of

the people to pay for a product that that the 46% don't want.

Dec 2

Socialists never just give money to the poor. They "administer" the

economy. Giving money to the poor would be "irresponsible."

Dec 3

Susan asks if yelling "Obama is a moron" in a crowded theater is

really free speech.

Dec 3

Embarrassing in the extreme and yet, some how, unembarrassed.

Dec 4

The problem is that now that we have so many channels and time to

fill on TV, everyone is getting 35 minutes of fame.

Dec 4

As I understand it, people have to pay insurance premiums BEFORE

they get their subsidies back. Unlikely to work.

Dec 4

Those folks who watch Fox News or listen to talk radio may have the

impression that the Affordable Care Act is not working perfectly.

Dec 5

Pundits don't seem to understand that the purpose of Obamacare was

to be fixed.

Dec 9

Are those charges against Kim Jong Un's uncle illegal or are they a

description of a Vegas vacation?

Dec 16

Sure, go ahead and name your kid after the car she was conceived in,

but try to be very specific.

Dec 18

We watched The White House Christmas on H&G last night and I called

for the revolution (a tradition since 1998.)

Dec 19

Bad timing: I just sent out the Duck Dynasty Chia Head Christmas

presents to my gay friends Wednesday morning.

Dec 21

GHW Bush's "No new taxes" is now being called a presidential lie. At

the time the same people applauded his compromising and bipartinship.

Dec 22

Telling people to "Be aware" of their "surroundings" is racist and


Dec 22

Yesterday I watched "A Moonshiner's Christmas" and tommorow I plan

to see "Christmas: The Ancient Alien Connection." Just the classics.

Dec 23

Do you think that pajama boy is enjoying his fame?

Dec 23

I believe it is very important that homosexual acts are sinful

because they are some of the few sins that do not tempt me.

Dec 24

If you agree with Phil Robertson's remarks, send me $1.67.

Dec 26

If you think Prohibition was crazy, how about requiring ethanol be

put into gasoline?

Dec 28

She had a heart like an odometer.

Dec 28

I said "oral." She heard "aural" and we passed an extremely strange

and somewhat embarrassing evening together.

Dec 28

I wish they'd stop calling people who are too young for Medicare



Retweet of David Whitehouse: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making it look like he could take the end of his thumb off.

Dec 31

I know it's hard to believe but today is New Year's Eve not New

Year's Steve.

Jan 1

I figure that employment will get back normal rates about the same

time that Iran creates a working A-bomb.

Jan 2

Eighty percent of modern government is restraint of trade.

Jan 2

Next Christmas! Next Christmas the family will dress and pose like a

British 60's rock band, or at least a US copy of one.

Jan 4

I realized that I have thought everything a crazy person thinks,

only I thought them more slowly. Nothing crazy about that.

Jan 6

OK, it is cold. But I managed to make it my mailbox without

resorting to cannibalism.

Jan 6

I sort of know the difference between Seattle and San Diego, but not

between the Seahawks and the Chargers.

Jan 6

What, exactly, do I need to do to start my own private NSA?

Jan 9

I may not be able to think of anything to say and I know that I'll

be back; but I can sure slam this door loudly.

Jan 13

Statisticians tell us that it takes 72.9% of a sample to make

something true.

Jan 13

Arrogant Obama thinks he overcame racism when the condescending

voters simply wanted to vote for a negro.

Jan 14

Glamor shot or Sunday morning shot, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed never

fails to entertain and amuse.

Jan 14

Obamacare would probably work better if the 20% subsidizing the 80%

had any money.

Jan 14

Will Obamacare's sky-high deductibles return medical care to market


Jan 14

I said that I thought Hollande was getting more than his fair share

but Susan points out that he thinks that he's spreading the wealth.

Jan 17

He was more respectful of beer trucks than school buses.

Jan 18

I'm not a big believer in euthanasia but it may be justified in the

case of peanut allergy.

Jan 21

Obama is to economics as "Reefer Madness" is to medical science.

Jan 21

Which is more annoying: Cute little pot stories and puns or outrage

about pot and kids and welfare recipients?

Jan 21

I can only watch contemporary entertainment by pretending that the

left-wing messages are self-satire and are supposed to be comical.

Jan 21

A good indication of the degree of totalitarianism of a state is how

much of an interest the state has in its citizens sex lives.

Jan 23

Sorry, Poppy: If we'd named you Saffron, you'd be a millionaire now.

Jan 24

Papa Bieber: Well son, I went out for some cigarettes and my brand

was out and then the y2k thing came along. I'm just happy to be back.

Jan 24

Oh no. Now I am confusing Dinesh D'Souza with Rajesh Koothrappali.

Jan 24

Little Sister of the Poor?!?! I'll kick their asses.

Jan 24

Susan is opposed to "Witty Food" and so will I be once I can define it.

Jan 28

There should be a name for people like C Matthew, P Morgan et al who

have a bigger audience of right-wing outrage than they do of viewers.

Jan 29

Biden says he could do the job of US president. To be fair, he couldn't

do worse.

Jan 30

Is there a way that I can get into the Witness Protection Program?

Jan 30

Susan was very disappointed at the scarcity of fish-themed

Valentine's Day cards.

Jan 30

Why do those who oppose trade agreements that would increase

imported goods demand that 14 million workers be imported into the


Feb 2

I thought I might have heard it as a joke or I might have dreamed

it, but it turned out to be true.

Feb 4

It is very common for a completely innocent person to blame himself

for some tragedy (if he is a character in a TV drama).

Feb 5

If you remove the word "we" from political discourse, you might be

forced to say something.

Feb 6

Forever imprisoned in the eternal present.

Feb 7

If 51% of the people agreed, they could buy any good or service and

pay less than half what government does.

Feb 7

Of course the idea of democracy is to get free stuff and convince

yourself it is all for the common good.

Feb 7

It's sad that Obama's most fervent supporters are those most hurt by

his policies. It's sort of funny, too.

Feb 7

Say what you want about democracy, but if it weren't for elections,

Obamacare would have been implemented by now.

Feb 11

I find it very annoying to see a stop light in the distance and it

doesn't matter whether it is red or green.

Feb 12

Marijuana Legalized: Hilarity Ensues

Feb 12

I have all the important logical fallacies on my side.

Feb 12

When I hear about a "broken system," I ask who constructed the

system in the first place.

Feb 13

"Making love or making believe." Did I write that or is there

already a C&W song?

Feb 14

I am so intelligent that I think the Oak Ridge Boys are nuclear


Feb 14

Placebix: More effective against more diseases than any other

medicine with virtually no side effects.

Feb 14

The Americans have the watches but we have the time--Al Qaeda saying.

Feb 14

97% of climate change scientists believe in climate change, which

compares favorably to the 95.8% of astrologers who believe in astrology.

Feb 15

I thought I was watching Monty Python but it turned out to be the

Winter Olympics.

Feb 16

It is virtually impossible for a right wing commentator to give

Hollande's name anything except an exaggerated French pronunciation.

Feb 18

My grandfather and great grandfather could tell a good horse from a

bad horse. Every age has its own knowledge. We know foreign foods.

Feb 20

When the founders talked about "freedom of speech," they didn't

realize that someone would invent the megaphone.

Feb 21

Guy who sits on a sled is banned from Olympics for doping.

Feb 22

And the answer, as always, is "real men."

Feb 25

The producers of the "Sun of God" movie should have been more

original. They could be sued by the makers of "Son of Godzilla."

Feb 25

These politicians have some really great ideas and just as soon as

one of them starts spending his own money on one of them, I'll listen.

Feb 26

Who knew that the biggest problem in America was Christian bakers

who do want to make cakes for gay weddings?

Feb 28

Why are people gratified by thinking they will die if they eat an

egg, go without health insurance, see a cigarette, or drink a coke?

Mar 1

Come now. You're a college graduate; you can think of a better way

to say that. Maybe a cleverly worded comparison to Oedipus?

Mar 1

My doctor told me that my heart was healthy enough for sex, so I had

to ask him if any other part of me was.

Mar 2

I was filling out my Ohio taxes and I came to the instruction, "If

deceased, check box."

Mar 3

You know how people don't know the difference between "return" and

"refund"? I just heard a news reader throw "rebate" into the mix.

Mar 3

How many people have to "take to the streets" in order for them to

be correct? 100,000? 200,000?

Mar 3

US Threatens to Stand behind Those Nations That Are Thinking About

Deploring Russian Actions

Mar 3

Fun fact you may not have heard in MSM or Fox: In 1994 Clinton and

Major signed a treaty pledging to defend the Ukraine against invasion.

Mar 4

Market analyst, "We expect that unemployment numbers will be in line

with expectations."

Mar 5

The only reason these deluded gasbags can sit around tables in Paris

drinking Evian is because I pay taxes and I call them morons.

Mar 6

Oh-hum. Yawn. Tell me when they legalize something that I want.

Mar 6

Soviet agriculture: 65 years of bad weather. News reader, ". . . a

labor market hampered by cold weather."

Mar 6

When I see CPAC, I think of the Soviet Union.

Mar 9

Winter 2014: The season of tying scarves into fancy knots.

Mar 13

Republicans can't just say no. They must come up with their own plan

for doing something that may be impossible and is probably undesirable.

Mar 13

Next big trend: Ironic Food.

Mar 14

Search for Missing Aircraft Made More Difficult by Radar Sightings

of Gamera, the Flying Turtle

Mar 15

I'll explain that Malaysian plane disappearance as soon as I find my

TV's remote control.

Mar 15

I refuse to eat blood oranges for humanitarian reasons.

Mar 15

Can someone explain to me the phrase "Two drink minimum"?

Mar 17

I have a bottle of green food coloring and I know how to use it.

Mar 17

The only way America can avoid a single payer system is for the

whole Republican party to advocate it.

Mar 17

I wish the administration would quit pretending that it thinks

Obamacare can work and just come out with the real plan.

Mar 21

Debt less than post-WWII debt. Putin not as bad as post WWII Stalin.

Therefore, Obama administration is less destructive than WWII.

Mar 22

Has Justin Bidber's mom rethought that whole abortion thing yet?

Mar 25

Shrill woman protester: "Businesses like Hobby Lobby have no

business in our personal decisions."

Mar 25

Pro-choice woman, "Politicians have no business in our medical

decisions." Presumably pro-Obamacare.

Mar 25

What will the defenders of Obamacare and his exemptions say if we

have a president Santorum or Huckabee?

Mar 25

As usual, the reporting of Hobby Lobby's case uses incorrect words.

If people used words correctly we wouldn't even have government.

Mar 27

General Alexander on Snowden, "I'm not a violent man..." Did he read

the job description for general?

Mar 27

Pope Francis was probably thrilled when Obamacare was passed.