Good evening. [Clinton’s first lie.]
This afternoon in this room [Not in the oval office which is reserved for fun], from this chair [Where’s a good electrician when you need one?], I testified [Testified, Buthead, eh eh, eh eh, he said testified] before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
I answered their questions truthfully [It was necessary to include this adverb], including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. [Please, can I answer them. Please, Please. I want to.]
Still, I must take complete [with certain reservations to be stated later] responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate [It’s also true that the President is a technical virgin], I did not volunteer information. [He did not volunteer for military service either.]
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate [It’s inappropriate to where a hat indoors]. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible [With certain reservations to be stated later].
But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. [Notice that Clinton did not specify threatening people’s career (Trip), threatening people’s families, slashing their tires, or kidnapping their cats (Willey).]
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled [Pronounced my’seld. Clinton does a lot of miseling; he’s a great miseler.] people, including even my wife [I guess Hillary’s really red in the face about that “vast rightwing conspiracy” crack now.] I deeply regret that.
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors [I’m a very complicated person]. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. [Nota bene: The previous statement may be true.]
I was also very concerned about protecting my family [Picture Clinton as a mother tiger protecting her cubs]. The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit [Doesn’t he remind you of Galilleo in front of the Inquisition?], which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. [Technical quibble: The lawsuit was dismissed after he perjured himself.]
In addition, I had real and serious concerns [“I had serious concerns, therefore, I obstructed justice and threatened witnesses.” If he had been “deeply troubled” would have robbed a gas station?] about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which [I don’t like his sentence structure either.] an independent federal agency found no evidence [Serious question: Why is Clinton incapable of saying that he’s actually innocent? He has no problem about other lies.] of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. [Apparently corruption is rampant in Washington. Let’s cut off Ken Starr’s head and beat Clinton to death with it.]
This has gone on too long [It’s been seven months since he scolded us for even thinking he had an affair], cost too much [Ten million dollars since he declared war on those slanderers that said he had sex in the oval office.] and hurt too many innocent people. [Ken Starr, Kathleen Willey, Paula Jones, Betty Curry, etc., etc.]
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most [good straight line] -- my wife and our daughter [Come on, Bill, you can certainly be more creative than that.]-- and our God [Beelzebub? Kali?]. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so [even a human sacrifice].
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private [Clinton’s private parts aren’t private; why should this be?], and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family.
It's nobody's business but ours. [However, your sexual habits, drug use, tobacco use, income, toilet tank capacity, etc., etc. are my business.]
Even presidents have private lives.[Some prisidents take more private lives than others.] It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction [except for my spin doctors] and the prying into private lives [except for my private detectives] and get on with our national life.
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part [“incidental as it is”] in all of this. That is all I can do.
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. [Please, Bill, move on and out]
We have important work [I think we could find Clinton a job at McDonald's] to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems [e.g. why isn't oral sex legally sex?] to solve, real security matters [The oval office needs a new lock] to face.
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle [“Eh eh, eh eh, spectacle, Beavis, he said spectacle.”] of the past seven months, to repair the fabric [“Eh eh, eh eh, Fabric, Beavis, he said Fabric.” That one got by the Presidential double entendre excising machine.] of our national discourse [Get your mind off orality, Bill], and to return our attention to all the challenges [having sex with Hillary] and all the promise of the next American century.
Thank you for watching. And good night. [And God bless you, each and every one.]